03.10.19

I’ve been doing a pretty good job of putting all of this madness to the back of my mind. I wonder if I forget about it it’ll disappear completely.
Of course that’s ridiculous and time is very much of the essence here. Whatever should I do?

This really is...life changing. Whichever way I go.

I know that first and foremost, I need to talk to Andy about this. My god I don’t want to, but I know that I must. If I respect him, what we have, and our future together, we have to talk about it.
I feel as though this is completely my fault and that he’s going to spiral into a panicked frenzy when he finds out. I don’t believe that he’ll be unreasonable, but I really have no idea what he’ll say. Of course I’m imagining the absolute worst case scenario - he’ll leave me. But do I honestly believe that’s his style? Deep down in my gut I hope that he’ll be supportive and mature about it I’m just...so scared this is catapulting us into a phase we’re not ready for.

Knowing what I know about him - that he’s thoughtful, kind, caring, deep and sensitive, and, wants children one day and believes in marriage...would he really tell me not to keep it?
When is one ever ready for a baby?
I feel emotionally ready, but geographically and financially, I’ve no idea. Could I go it alone?

I need a friend :(

Later I’m meeting up with my brother and I’m sure it’ll come out then. Hopefully he’ll help me feel a little more confident but I do worry that it’ll make it all seem very, very real and I’ll just, lose it.
I have had some tears and my body is going through a lot of changes, I can feel my hormones spinning around my body. But I don’t feel like I can cry until I know why. I feel numb knowing that this could be my secret, nobody need never know anything about it. But I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, I don’t think I could go through an abortion again. The last one still haunts me and that was 5 years ago...

I need to talk to Andy. Sooner rather than later. I’m terrified that he’ll be tired from work and stressed from house-hunting that he won’t take the news well, this will upset me so much more. I know that I can not control how he reacts, but I can control how I tell him and I’ll have to do so as carefully and calmly as possible....