01.10.19

(No subject)
Phoebe Munro
Tue 01/10/2019 17:04
At the moment it’s all abstract. I don’t have the stick in my hand telling me what I believe I know deep down inside. I’m not rushing to find out for sure, because right now, I ‘might’ be and this feeling of ignorance is far more preferable than if I definitely am...



The more time I spend with him, the more I love him. I’m just, enamoured by him and feel completely at home in his company. I have ever since the moment I first met him.

I stand waiting for a train home in the rain, after our little Cornwall holiday together, feeling a mixture of emotions. The one that feels most dominant though, is the feeling of missing him, it’s only been half an hour and already I want my head to feel my head on his chest. I don’t want to face reality yet, or the consequences of my actions.



I bought a test and it’s positive.

I’m not surprised.



I don’t know how I feel at this stage. I want to feel happy, but I’m terrified. My life as I know it is going to change significantly, if I go through with all of this. I know it’s something I want, I know it’s something that Andy wants one day...it’s just, he might panic and leave me. He might not trust me again. I was so happy as we are now, this could end us.



I mean, deep down I don’t think he would suddenly leave me, because he’s not that type of person. I don’t think, anyway. He’s open about his desire to have children, so at least that’s something. I’m just dreading having to tell him...I know I’m going to have to, either way. Of course an abortion has crossed my mind but I don’t know if I could put myself through it again. Plus, if I did it without telling him, if we did get married and planned on having babies and he found out, there’s a risk he might be devastated. It’s all such a minefield and I don’t know where to start with it. I think I want to go through with it but where will I live? Will he want to be with me still? How will I support it?



I’m so scared. I've cried a lot. I'm going to put this to the back of my mind for a little while.