I’m sorry Louis. I had to miss the appointment I desperately need because I can’t afford the tube. In this fucked up scenario I value my bullshit job more, I just can’t afford to lose it.
I’m now over my overdraft and I’m scared. The bank texted me to warn me. I haven't been in this situation since I was a student and i've ran out of favors. I’ve had to ask for a handout from my brother tide me over - and he's broke enough as it is - I know it’s a slippery slope and I hate how it feels. My pride is wounded but i've nowhere else to go.
I don’t know how I got here but this has to be rock bottom. Every car I see I want to smash into me. Every person who walks past me I want to punch me. Every outfit I put on feels wrong and no amount of makeup will save this sad looking face.
I don’t see a way out. I’ll have to move out but I can’t stand the idea of sharing with strangers again. I can’t divulge any of this with Andy because I don’t want him to assume I’m irresponsible with money or make him feel pressure to suggest that he and I move in together. It wouldn’t be right, it wouldn't be fair, I just...need to try and hang on for a bit longer.
I’ve an interview on Friday afternoon for a Saturday job in a local bridal store just up the street from me. I stand a good chance of getting it but it's a move backwards. Working 6 day weeks, my weekends will be over, so me and Andy will be over, i'll be so tired, and I still won’t break even, still won’t make a dent into the shit mountain I’ve built for myself. Is it even worth it?
I know all money situations good or bad are temporary. But so is life.
Sometimes, today especially, I feel it would just be better for everyone if I simply disappeared.
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