16.09.19

I can't believe it's been 11 days since I last wrote an entry.
That's a fair bit of time that's rolled on by, yet it only feels like a matter of hours. This year is just flying by...I suppose it'll never slow down.

It's a Monday and I spent the weekend at Andy's flat whilst he was at work. It's a fantastic place to do art work - it's beautifully bright, peaceful and comfortable and I find I'm a lot less distracted and I actually crack on with things i've been meaning to get around to for months. I feel sad that he'll be leaving it, I think he does too. He says he wants to save money (not a bad idea - I should contemplate this idea myself!) so he'll have a bit more money enabling his desire to be more impulsive, travel more, do more things which I know is fair but, he's pretty impulsive already - something I've learned about him over the past few weeks that I wouldn't have picked up on initially. It's not a bad trait at all, though it does make me worried (of course,) I just imagine him wishing he could travel far away from me, perhaps start again...it's cynical of course, he hasn't hinted to anything like that of course. But it's something i'm a little concerned about for his own mental health too. It seems he's done a lot of things impulsively and later wondered why he did. It's not my place to pry, of course. But the more time we spend together, the more I deeply care and it saddens me to see him completely and utterly burned out. I understand why he constantly vapes, and how he's slipped into addiction in the past. He's so strong, but i'm worried he'll exhaust himself so much that he becomes unwell. It's not physically possible to work 11 consecutive days with hardly any food or sleep. And it's hard work too, not just lounging at an office, it's grafting, rigging, lots of time traveling on the road. I feel a little frustrated that he's unable to see this, that he's punishing himself after some time away from things? I don't really know what exactly, but I can hear the voices from my colleagues/family if I were to be in his shoes, telling me to rein it in, cut myself some slack, have a rest. Does he truly believe he's invincible?

While he was out I took it upon myself to help as much as I could, I cleaned up a bit, tidied, put on some of his washing, things he'd neglected due to lack of time and energy. I was aware I was being mumsy, but I felt like he needed it. His family or friends don't see him like this, they're unaware of what he's been putting himself through.
When he got back, I made us some dinner, something (a little) nutritious and I think I managed to perk him up a little. I know he enjoyed having me there but I also know he felt apprehensive about me seeing him this way, as he knew he became quiet and a little numb when he tired. Perfectly understandable of course. At one point I did feel like going home, I didn't want to make him feel any pressure to perform for me, or drain him any more, he's too nice to tell me to pipe down. But he looked offended and sad when I suggested it, said I was welcome to stay for as long as I wanted, he explained himself and felt bad - which wasn't what I wanted. But soon we were chatting drinking coffee and all was fine. I feel a bit sad that we weren't able to be intimate at any point, because he was so tired but it was lovely to share his bed and we chatted a lot in the moments we were together. I knew that if this is something I truly want and dearly want to last, I know i've got to accept that there will be spells like this - i'm sure i'll have times where i'm too tired/stressed to feel sexual, it can happen. This is life. I didn't want to push it, or make him feel guilty about it either. I think I got the balance okay, but I just hope he gets this burst of work out of his system so he'll approach the next few months with a bit more caution - for his own health.

The moments where I did feel a little out of place, he reassured me with cuddles much like a family cat who can pick up on bad moods, he put his head in the crux of my neck and I felt comforted again. None of it was his fault, he was just doing what he felt he needed to do.

This weekend has possibly been one of the most normal and uneventful we've ever spent together and i'm glad we did, I hope he thinks so too. They couldn't all be incredibly action packed and amazing, so it was a good test to see how we fared in a different sort of moods. It has only strengthened my desire to love him and look after him. I want to help him blossom and accomplish anything he dreams.
We still haven't had 'the chat' but that's okay. In a little over a week we'll be setting off on our holiday together and I plan on bringing it up then, if the moment feels right. When we're together, I feel truly 'together' - we're more than seeing each other, more than dating. It feels truly real, he is so special. I'm so enamored by him. And I am as grateful as I am petrified that he'll leave me. That anxiety still creeps up on me in waves but today I should be free of it, tomorrow is usually when it kicks in. I don't think I feel the sickly feeling at the pit of my stomach like I have with previous people, like something bad was about to happen. But perhaps it's because i've fallen so hard for him, i'm masking it with relentless optimism.

Just got to keep going, trying my best, living each day as though it's my last.

Haven't been able to get a handle on my binge eating though, i've also eaten a lot of chocolate...but, one thing at a time.