I've been aware of my appalling eating habits the past few weeks, and how I've really let things slip up. If i'm happy, I just eat without a care in the world. If i'm sad, I eat as a form of distraction, to absorb the bad and the sad and, despite knowing that it's happening, I just give in to it.
I realize that this is an actual 'thing.' It's not just me getting a little carried away on the snacks, no, it's something my brain is telling my body to do when I know I don't actually want to do it. It's a low-key binge eating disorder.
I'm aware of what binge-eating is, it's something i've seen and read a lot about over the years. But to type it out and understand how it's association with my own eating habits...my 'relationship with food' (I hate that phrase,) feels rather poignant. My brother was who alerted it to me recently, where he described his own issues with it and how he'd eat an entire pack of biscuits without even wanting to. It's not the first i've heard him talk about it, in fact it was a bit of a joke between us, how we could both do this. Almost with an element of pride. But he realised it wasn't right, he didn't like that he did it and couldn't control it. Most people don't eat that way, so why do we?
It's definitely linked to our childhood and the way we've been brought up. Mum was incredibly strict, sweets and treats were rare and restricted. They were an occasional, once a week thing and perhaps over holiday seasons too but I remember feeling a real, desire of sweets (chocolate especially,) because they were rare in our diet. Dad on the other hand, was very relaxed about them. After mum left, dad would buy everything we wanted and i'd get home after school and raid the cupboards for crisps and chocolates. My brother did the same. I'm not blaming either of them, but I can see how where it started.
Earlier in the year, I gave up chocolate for 4 months, perhaps even more - I never dreamed I could do it, and for that long. I distinctly remember buying a bag of mini eggs reluctantly, the binge side of my mind was ordering me to get them 'because you love them,' but I didn't really want to break my streak but...I half shrugged and thought 'well, i've bought them now, so this is happening.' And there it went, my self control. Couldn't shit for 5 or 6 days afterwards, it stuffs up my body so much. I was in pain, I was bloated and...I carried on. I broke the chain, what's the point in going back?
I haven't really tried again since, but I've wanted to. I looked at my body in the mirror this morning and saw that it wasn't as together as it should be, and could be. I'm going to change my approach to eating. I listed to a few podcasts all about binge eating, I've got a sobriety app, I'm going to really, truly, give this a try. It's years of habit, years of urges, years of giving in so it's a lot to compete with. It's going to be really hard. But I must try. I want to nourish my body, I want to live the best life I can and while i'm trying to sort through my mental issues, I should at least try and tackle the physical issues too. I always thought this was something I'd live with all of my life, it was a quirk I had, I just loved snacking and chocolate (which i've wrote about here before,) - despite being satisfied and full. I know i'm not obese or anything but that's not the point. I'm getting older and things catch up with me faster now, I want to be as healthy as I possible can. I mean, I don't enjoy what i'm doing now. I don't like the way I eat and the way I interact with food - inhaling it then scouting out sweet things to gorge on until I feel sick. Why do I eat with such urgency?
It's day 2. It's one of the hardest, along with day 3. But if I make it to day 7, I'll be delighted.
No comments:
Post a Comment