30.08.19 pt 2

Typing, to keep myself busy. I didn't feel much relief from hitting send on my last entry, which was heavy and negative. I think it's a combination of my hormones, tiredness, terrible diet and my usual anxieties catching up with me, just wiping me out. I do hope that I'll see Andy this evening, but if I don't, I mean, is it really the end of the world? Even if we were to end, would that mean the ending of my life? Of course not. I suppose it's just this 'are we? Aren't we?' relationship label limbo that puts me on edge. But it's okay, I have a rough plan about this - besides the fact, branding us with a label doesn't necessarily mean that things will feel okay. It's a step forward, but it's one that should occur naturally. I like the progress we've made, and seem to continue to make. And it seems to be moving at a steady, 'normal' pace too. I guess it isn't about anyone else, it's about us and how we both feel. He seems to be fine.
Every time I feel I hit this wall, I'm set on talking to him about it because I can't continue feeling this sting of worry every time it's been a few days since i've heard from him. But then when I think about it more, it's actually my problem. The only thing he's doing which makes me feel generally worried, is not hearing from him for a spell. But when I do hear from him and when we're together, i'm on cloud nine. I don't feel it would be wise of me to make him aware of the extremity of my anxiety, and I wouldn't want him to feel guilty about him just, living his life. It's not like I see him online all the time but ignoring me, or in constant streams of messages with others. I know he doesn't like being glued to his phone. I just REALLY need to relax. Acknowledge the knot in my stomach, feel it, hear it, but not let it take me over. It's so difficult. It's the sort of thing I imagine therapy will help me achieve but i'm not sure it's helping? It's probably still too early to tell. Something i've lived with for newly two decades isn't going to change in 6 sessions...