It’s difficult contemplating the beauty of the world whilst trying desperately to navigate around this clogged up city. I want to try and appreciate the lovely people working aggressively towards me like salmon up stream, each unique, each lovely in their own way but each furiously working against me.
It’s at these sorts of times I truly believe that we’ll destroy this wonderful home of ours. I hope I won’t be here to see the end but at the rate we’re consuming and destroying, soon there will be nothing left. If I think about it too much it really makes me feel sad.
But for now, in this present moment I have music and a place to sit and watch our crazy world pass by. I’m weighing up what snacks to buy for an evening in to paint and draw...tempting to call in sick tomorrow too but that’s irresponsible and whenever I get this desire I soon realise how if fired, I’d lose my beautiful flat and the life I have as I know it! So it’s not worth risking.
It’s coming towards the end of the day now and my original good mood is wavering a little, but the dreadful mood I found myself in yesterday was improved by Andy’s lovely messages and an hour long phone call before bed. I fell asleep feeling truly content, which was so nice. It had been the first time in a while I felt like my worries had eased. He helped me to feel reassured, though I know I shouldn’t rely on him for this and I fear that I might. It’s a bad habit, another in the long list I need to work on breaking.
But we had fun just chatting and giggling away. We’re so similar. The previous weekend had caught up with him too, he’d thrown himself into decorating his flat meticulously and exercising lots. I do worry that he works hard (like me,) to appear carefree around me but when he returns to his normal life, he finds himself tired and on a mission to return to his usual ways; exercising lots, eating clean, staying up too late...I do worry about him in this respect. But at this point, it’s not my place.
He did however bring up a little trip to Cornwall with me again which made me so happy to hear because my god, I’d love that. I want to stay in a lovely little place by the sea, just the two of us eating lots, drinking lots, lots of relaxing, lots of intimacy awww I just want it all. I want to hire out a comfy car with a banging sound system and drive us there with great music, chats, nothing but excitement. It would be a dream, one I only hope will become reality one day. I’m not going to press him, but as soon as he lets me when suits him I’ll look into booking things further. It’s just such an exciting thought. It’s so hard not to when I think about him, I want to live with him, I want to have a life with him...I’ve had not a single desire to meet anyone new, download a dating app, not at all. In some ways it’s done me good to concentrate only on him. But of course, can’t seem to find my way around the fear of losing the person I want to spend my future with. It’s bittersweet.
I adored hearing his voice on the phone, he soothed and i found myself constantly smiling. He’d sent me lots of upbeat, funky 80s songs that really cheered me up earlier in the day and asked me caring questions. Perhaps I’d startled him a bit, I wonder. Maybe his worries are exactly the same as mine...
He certainly has them, but I doubt they’re about me.
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