14.08.19

I think I’m still so tired, even after the full nights sleep I had. Both of them. It’s Wednesday and I haven’t heard anything from him and I feel sick.
AS USUAL.
Why do I do this to myself? Get carried away all happy, cannot get enough of him and our time together, encourage myself to fluff up any interaction as meaning something/anything else...for him to clearly not give a shit. It’s rude.
I always make excuses for him but I’m so fed up of feeling like this. It makes me wonder if I can actually keep this up or if this is just...always how it’s going to be now. Feeling let down. He’s off to climb a fucking hill at the weekend. I probably won’t see him again.
I know I’ve got to chill, two days isn’t much time. I’m going to have to try and... live my life, who knows how...

Trust the process.
Either all is fine, as it always has been when this has previously happened - which is often, let’s be real. Or, it’s not meant to be...and I have to find someone else. It feels very extreme thinking that and to see it typed grounds me a little, let’s just...wait and see. Lots of waiting and seeing.
I’m just waiting in the rain for my next therapy session.
*
‘You strike me this morning as being rather fatigued.’
I wholeheartedly agreed. He had me pinpointed perfectly. I just wanted to cry. I still do. I know that would have probably have been a safe place to have cried, but I didn’t want to derail the session – though fuck knows what they would have been to derail. Instead I tried to hold my head up and look him in the eye, fighting the urge to ask for a hug. He’s just so comforting, and all I want right now is some comfort.

I told him I felt sad today, that I felt very blue. I explained that I was finding it difficult to know where it was coming from exactly, I just knew I was drained and feeling very tired. I blamed it on the period of good days I’d been having recently, how now my mind was trying to pick those times apart, over analyse everything that happened to try and take the good memories away from me. The bully side was stepping in once more.
He said that we’d picked up on this in a previous session, how the feeling of sadness was something I was reluctant to explore. Especially as it was something I’d commented on feeling a familiar to me. He wondered why that was.

I agreed that I felt a certain amount of performance anxiety, how I wasn’t ever allowing myself to feel sad or appear sad in front other people, for they had problems of their own, or perhaps I wasn’t allowed to feel that way – a fear of rejection, of people not caring about me. He asked if I felt nervous/reluctant to let people try and help me, get closer to me during moments of…needing help. I tried to recall how long I’d been doing this for, compartmentalising my sadness/trying to distract myself for it and it’s truly been for longer than I can remember. It’s something I’ve always known.

The conversation continued on to two occasions that could markedly be ‘sad’ - my aunt breaking her hip and being in hospital and my step mum who was also rushed to hospital. I said that, with guilt, I didn’t feel overly sad by these situations because they weren’t overly surprising. Louis said that of course these things would get to me on some level because I knew these people, they were family and yet I had to come at it as a neutral party, asking how everyone else was doing over myself. He wondered whether I might feel the need to supress my sadness as it seemed to be encouraged, the way I found these things out was often in a passing text, not a lot of information, no invitation to talk about it.

I talked about how my parents processed their sadness; my dad never showing any sad feelings, always putting a positive spin on everything, maintaining a philosophical outlook all the time. My mum, getting incredibly down and depressed or angry, the whole day ruined for everyone close to her. Both rather extreme ways of dealing with ‘negative’ emotions. I realise I seem to share my dads way of handling things. Well, I try to. I doubt he struggles with the same battles as I internally.
I sat awkwardly in my chain, trying to think about how to sum up everything I felt, how I felt my body aching as I concentrated on my breathing. He asked me what I was thinking about in that moment, and couldn’t hide the sadness I was feeling about Andy, how I hadn’t heard from him and how it was just making me feel…disappointed. I explained how I’d felt this way before and there was always a reasonable explanation, I was good at coming up with excuses for him and knew he was enjoying some time alone, perhaps recuperating from our time together, who knows. As Louis gently pressed more, I revealed how it was something I put up with because I didn’t want to have ‘that conversation’ and face the potential awkward ‘what are we?’ subject, or make him feel as though he had to message me when he didn’t want to. I would rather just put up with it and wait for his message to come when it came, and revel in the delight if/when it eventually did, than share how I actually feel about it. Louis let it percolate for a while, how I was putting his needs first, how I seemed to feel I felt my own desires or needs were insignificant or a trouble to the other person. He was right. I will patiently endure all sorts of pain if it means I don’t run the risk of crushing rejection. It’s easy to tell myself that it’s everyone else’s happiness that matters, mine is always secondary. I know this is wrong and unfair on me. I also know that my wants, needs and desires are not at all unreasonable and by asking them they should be well received or at least heard. But for some reason I fear it. I also know that if they were ignored, laughed off or even scared off, it was a good thing because why would I want to be with someone/have a friend who did that, when I would only be encouraging and helpful of them to confide in me?
I felt frustrated at this situation I’ve apparently engineered for myself. I’m so used to doing it and people are so used to me being the way I am, changing feels like an enormous challenge. Louis wondered if there were other factors at play; gender roles, the dating ‘rules. He asked me if I would even contemplate thinking about imaginary scenarios where there were no rules. I said it would likely feel glorious. But even in the world of the imaginary, I felt like I couldn’t go there – my mind was restricting me even when daydreaming.
After the session I knew what I had to do. I messaged Andy a friendly but brief message hoping that he was okay and asked if he might be about later for a chat. I didn’t want him to worry that it might be about him/us but I also wanted to him feel a little jolt perhaps. I said that I was having an awful day and would just love a chat. I mean, can’t say fairer than that now can you? I suppose it’s another thing that could be ignored, so, I’ve hid my phone away from my line of sight to perhaps look at later this afternoon. Of course I’m feeling incredibly anxious about it, and only hope he won’t let me down. I guess I’m already gearing myself up for him doing so.

I just received an email form 'future me' an email I wrote to send myself 15.08.18. My goodness. It's nice though I can hardly believe it was a year ago...

"Dear FutureMe,

How are you? Where are you? Who are you?

I write this at one of the most stressful and uncertain times of my life. I'm a week into being 28 and it's started with a breakup and a constant knot in my stomach that i'm pretty sure is an infection that no antibiotic (i'm on my third - not that you really need to know this) will cure. I'm moving for the 15th? time. Thankfully it's with someone familiar, your wonderful brother and i'm really looking forward to it. We've been there for each other a lot recently, I hope that you're both still very close. Is he with someone now? I picked up the remaining things from his ex girlfriends yesterday. I hope that he is happy.

But are you?

Are you still at Mikimoto, or have you moved on? I hope that you found the strength somewhere along the way to leave and persue something more fulfilling. Perhaps with more money? (same dif?)

I'm about to meet Michael for the 2nd time for a walk in the park for about an hour, then on Sunday...I really like him a lot, I wonder if you're still with him? Or are you with someone new? Are you any closer to settling down? I hope so.

A lot can happen in a year. I am scared of what's to come, all this dating is playing havoc with my mental health - i'm anxious constantly. But, how else am I going to find someone if I don't put myself out there?

How is the family; mum & Rick, Dad and Sally? - How is Sally? She's fading but still fairly independent. Dad's very worn out, working full time and seeing her, phoning her, monitoring her. I'm worried about him. I wish that I could do more to help.

I hope that you are happy, that you are stable, that things are better than they are now. I hope you're with someone, and things are on the right track.

What have you learnt since this time last year?

Phoebe"


Wow.

So, I need to get on with my day at work now, just trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Louis suggested that I try writing about my disappointments and 'I wish'es which I might try later, though I can't see it being a positive exercise but who knows, perhaps it'll be freeing.