I realised we're progressing through the week and I hadn't typed up a gushing entry about my wonderful birthday weekend. I suppose I've just felt very content, and surprisingly without much of the familiar sting of worry and anxiety. Of course it's still there, but then again there's been other things that have been going on that are distracting.
So I saw in my 29th year just the way I wanted to; drunk and incredibly happy. It was just a wonderful time. It wasn't anything grandiose nor particularly romantic but the memories I have of it make me tingle. He came over on Friday evening and we literally spent the entire night sitting on the balcony drinking, chatting, listening to music. We talked about all sorts of things, family, childhood, drugs, ambitions, life in general. He can get so chatty which is lovely, his eyes widen, the barrier drops and we just flow. The more tipsy we got, the more insightful our conversations got in terms of intimacy, the sorts of questions we wanted to ask all along but seem so much easier to bring up with the help of alcohol. It was so much fun.
I'm just constantly learning about him, which I love. But it's clear we've both come from very different places in our lives. It makes perfect sense of course, with everything he's experienced especially at such a key age. He told me more about his mother's death, and how his father retreated. He left him and his sister to it, so they've a really strong bond but they spent most weekends hosting house parties that included lots of drink and drugs. I didn't judge him at all, in fact I loved hearing all about it because I find it fascinating. I am cautious of course, not because I think he's 'all about that life,' far from it. But I'm aware he's experienced many things that I could only imagine, I worry I might not be hard-skinned enough for him. It's a daft thought, I know. I've only ever conveyed my openness to all of that, never say never, I could imagine trying a few things curiously, if the opportunity came along and felt right. I've always felt this, drugs intrigue me but I understand the dangers and such like.
I felt my heart sink when he told me the days he'd stay awake in a crazed blur. He used to smoke weed every day, he ate poorly, didn't take care of himself. Clearly a few years ago he decided to turn his life around. He doesn't talk about his ex girlfriend much, I'm still unsure how long ago it ended or on what terms but I imagine it must have hurt him so I don't want to remind him of it. I'm sure it's something he'll bring up when he feels ready to, if he feels it's even appropriate.
I couldn't believe how soon we heard the birds chirp and the sky started to lighten. We awoke the following morning groggily for breakfast (at dinner time!) we wandered the streets arm in arm, bought some things for dinner and stayed up drinking gin talking and laughing. I wasn't expecting to spend the entire weekend together, but Sunday came around - he'd got me a card and some lovely drinks/food things (very good gifts considering it's a tricky one, having only been seeing each other a couple of months, what do you buy, if anything at all?) He also bought us gig tickets to see a band I really love. The card was my favorite though, filled with a similar message to what I'd wrote to him. I felt (and still feel,) tremendously lucky.
I spent it all in a giddy, happy haze. We went back to his to eat and drink more indulgent food and went back into town the following day to amble around a beautiful park together. We were both tired but neither admitted it, we kept chatting away constantly, just enjoying each other's company. He stayed at mine once more, we watched a documentary together and quickly fell asleep. I said that he was welcome to stay in my flat as long as he liked, he joked that he still wouldn't do the washing up and I laughed at how he'll just stay in bed the entire time 'there's a little glimpse into the future' he smiled. I talked around it excitedly, I know he was joking but despite it being humorous, I loved the idea of it so much. I loved walking with him to the tube station ready to start my day, it just felt so right. I don't want it to, of course it makes me feel scared.
I couldn't stop thanking him for everything that he'd done for me.
I believe the next time we meet will be on Saturday evening, i'm driving home to see mum but need to be back the following day for a day festival with my brother and Andy too - which means they may very well meet! I'm really excited for this, but nervous too - I don't want Andy to feel apprehensive though I'm sure if I were him, I would. I'm so proud of Ed though so rolling him out will be nothing short of a pleasure. They're both so easy going and chilled, it should be a fun day. I hope so. I'm looking forward to it.
Today i'm starting to feel much better but earlier in the week I think all the excitement surely caught up with me. I felt so heavy, slow and tired. It has been a while since I've taken an interest in what i've been eating/drinking so i'm starting up my food journal again documenting everything I eat. My desk is surrounded by fruit and i'm going to make more effort to walk to and from work too which should help ease my anxiety. Of course this sudden change played havoc on my system and I had a splitting headache for two days, one of which meant that I had to miss my therapy session. I don't feel good about it, but I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. Thankfully Louis was understanding. It would have been easy to have not said anything and disappear into the crowds but I want to see our sessions through to the end, if at all possible. I owe it to myself, and to him. I mean, I can't imagine how frustrating it would be as a therapist to have a client just not turn up ever again.
I'm going to try and focus on making this year about taking care of myself. I want to eat better, feel better, reward myself with experiences, learn to love myself. And, most importantly, feel as though I deserve to be loved in return. I'm battling many thoughts regarding my overall feelings for Andy - he's so beautiful inside and out, he's troubled and I only want to support him, he's so caring, kind, thoughtful, funny and easy to be around. But I constantly fear losing him as he's too good for me...I really am falling for him in a big way but can't help but feel as though he's going to leave me for someone else. It's almost as if I feel that my overall fear is what I truly deserve. When really, I don't truly believe this. I try so hard, I work so hard, I care so much...too much. But the battle of thoughts on a daily basis is just so exhausting. I can't carry on like this, I can't keep telling myself that the worst is always going to happen. It's not fair on me. I've spent a good 29 years believing this, I don't have the energy to do this for another 29...
No comments:
Post a Comment