Just going to type, type, type. Because I feel anxious and nervous, I want to keep my hands busy and try and untangle the way I'm feeling.
When i'm sitting in the therapy session with Louis, I feel positive about the whole experience overall. However as soon as I step out of that room, I feel incredibly overwhelmed, possibly even worse than I did before going into it. Perhaps it's the comfort and validation of being listened to, which promptly stops upon entry into 'the real world' once again. Perhaps it's formulating a rough plan when i'm in there, which seems impossible to put in place when i'm back on my own. Or maybe it's churning up all these old memories that explain why I feel the way I feel, but being unable to escape them. It's scary, it's unsettling, it's upsetting.
The knot in my stomach is tightening as I type. It's because I know what day it is, and that the weekend is approaching with no plan, i've no idea what's happening and i'm just so. fucking. ready. to be let down, that it's almost as though i'm already there. I know that's an awful thing to assume, I haven't even given Andy the chance to exceed my expectations, or break them down. I'm jumping to conclusions without hearing his side of the story. If there even is a story.
I suppose Birthday's are so personal. They mean different things to different people. I find birthday's to be an anxiety inducing, stressful affair. I want everyone else to be happy around me way before i've even contemplated my own enjoyment. I don't care about getting a year older, I care about everyone's attention on me and I hate that. I have this idea that birthday's mean a LOT more to other people. That they want a big party, lots of gifts, lots of friends all gathered together. I'm petrified that Andy thinks i'm one of those sorts of people - eventhough i've never claimed to enjoy any of those things! I'm worried that he feels he has to do all this stuff for me, when he doesn't want to. And worse than that, I worry he'll do it because he feels he owes me, his heart won't be in it and that it'll just spiral into awkwardness.
Perhaps it's because i've been with people who pin a lot of expectation on birthdays. I suppose I do have feelings of rejection around other people's birthdays...I guess they've left a bit of a sour taste.
When I explained my fears to my brother last night, he told me to 'just be chill about it. See how it plays out. How very out of character and weird would it be if he were to suddenly cancel? You basically just want to hang out, like your usual weekends, dinner, drinks and maybe a club I mean, it's very basic stuff...' I did feel better hearing this. I know that i'm being ridiculous. I know that in order to 'be chill' about it all, I need to stop over thinking everything. I need to think back to my 'mantra' and just learn to let go, trust him, trust the process...things will fall into place as they should...right?
God, it's the 1st of August already...
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