I wonder. Will I ever feel...safe? In this body? In this world? In this state?
When he rang last night I felt a serge of worry. ‘He’s going to cancel. He’s going to say he can’t do the weekend. He’s going to elude to feeling uncomfortable about it being your birthday. He’s going to tell me something he feel he can’t say over message.’
I felt so sick. I still do, even after going through the call happy, laughing and enjoying our conversation. Even learning that none of the above were true, I still felt, and still do feel, very on-edge.
The thing is, deep down I know that if he were to cancel things and suggest we shouldn’t see each other again, I know it would be for the best. I just want to know.
But why can’t I seem to believe that he’d actually want to spend time with me? I believe the worst possible outcome more than the positive. He’s never let me down before, nor has he lead me to believe that he’s emotionally unavailable. If anything he's given me clues, actually explicitly told me things without any prompt; he's not a fan talking to people on the phone as it makes him uncomfortable not being able to see their reactions. He's sometimes slow at replying to messages because he's not a fan of the small keyboard and he's tricky to focus when he's tired. He's introverted, and likes time by himself...
Feel sad today. I'm sure hormones are playing a part. I just wish I could write off this entire day and cocoon myself in my duvet and have good fucking lull on my own.
I usually feel this way after a therapy session. Today was apparently our 4th session, it feels like more somehow. As usual I felt the standard anxiety kicking in. We did address this feeling and he's given me some exercises to try out next time I feel my heart rate increasing and my mind whirring a mile a minuet. Deep breathing and focus's externally, as concentrating too much on my own thoughts can only make things feel more extreme. I will try and do this, surely nothing bad can come of being more mindful of my surroundings.
Running on fumes. My breaths are usually rather close to the surface.
The first half of the session was a little stunted on my behalf. I was struggling to think of new 'material.' I wondered if he picked up on it. He asked his standard 'what would you like to use this space for today?' question which I usually don't have a response to, it's too vague and i'm unprepared. I don't know what I expect, nor what I want to expect. I fight the urge to say 'just make this all go away, please. Just help me find some peace in my mind. I just need some time away from me.' for that would be dramatic and derailing. I explain it's difficult for me to answer, he understands.
I talk about how I'd been thinking a lot about our previous sessions, how they'd uncovered a lot of things that i've been thinking about a lot. I felt mostly sad about these things, and a little overwhelmed, as it felt as though i'd engineered these situations with my mother, and that the sadness I felt were all my doing.
He said that he felt that the bully in my mind is often giving me a very hard time. I agreed. I told him that I wasn't feeling so great today, I didn't have as much energy as I usually did and he appreciated that admitting this was likely hard for me to do. I said that I wasn't really used to saying this, especially to other people. I felt a pressure to not convey these feelings, that I didn't feel them, where in reality i'm very familiar with them and face them more often than not. I like to think i'm a positive, upbeat and chipper person and feel others do portray me this way. But it takes such a lot of effort.
I said that I often felt this way after a period of feeling very happy. I went on to say how I tend to experience delayed reactions to things, good and bad. Euphoric highs followed by crashing lows.
He suggested that perhaps these ‘crashing’ feelings after a period of happiness is actually a reaction of tiredness, that i'm actually very anxious during these happy times and I have to work quite hard during these times. My mind is interpreting the exhaustion that surely follows into stories as to why you shouldn’t feel happy. How I should feel guilty, why I don’t deserve to feel happy like everyone else.
‘How would you think a friend would feel if you told them the sorts of things that your mind told you?’
‘- oh there’s no way I would ever share what’s said in my mind!’ They would be no friend of mine after that, or they’d consider me a right downer.
Still feel very nervous. I wish I could escape my worry. I sent him a little message this morning to say how I enjoyed out chat, thanked him for the call, a song suggestion and just wished him a great day. He replied in an upbeat way, but it was brief and now...i'm scared its coming.
I didn't realize the whole way things ended with Phil got to me more than I thought they did. I think it's because it was around this time last year. I felt so sick knowing that I'd spent my birthday with him believing one thing when he was only there because I'd done such a lot for his day. I felt so foolish.
It's like now my body is preempting this to happen all over again, with someone who I care about so much more, who means so much more. I'm just very scared I won't be able to bounce back from it.
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