Thought i'd treat myself to a free coffee to help lift up my low spirits. Ed is coming over later this evening, so I'm looking forward to seeing him and having a bit of a catch up. I do feel a little guilty that every time we do meet I seem to be in a bit of a emotional slump, but it's usually good at making me feel better.
I'm trying desperately not to worry. I'm skipping ahead and assuming the worst with little to no 'evidence,' just a bad previous experience. And when I think back to that time, there were many red flags along the way that caused me to fear the worst, my mind seems to be creating them in this scenario.
I mean, of course I could be wrong. Andy could turn around and say he's found someone else and that our time is done. I mean, you never truly know what the other person is thinking or feeling, and people can surprise you. I am fully aware of this. Sadly it seems to be the reason i'm constantly churning over these thoughts.
I hear dad sigh on the end of the phone when I share my concerns and hesitation in sharing my happiness with how things are going with me and Andy. 'You need a bit of self-confidence! He's got you, you know!' he's so sweet, and biased, of course. 'Oh I know that pattern of thought, of course. Sure, if something ends and it felt bad well it's easier to move on from, than if it felt amazing.'
I've been trying to read some things online to change my mode of thinking a little, and came across the Buddhist saying; 'You can choose to suffer by worrying about suffering, or you can suffer when life inevitably happens and then choose to live beyond the suffering. You either worry about dying all your life, or love your life then die.' ...I feel I need to have this tattooed on the tops of my feet, every time I look down in sadness.
It's true. The most irritating thing of all, is that I know this. I know that i'm wasting these times fretting just for the times when we're together. It's no way to live my life. I'm sure he'd be horrified if he knew the truth of it, and the extent of my lack of confidence.
I know I need to trust him, and trust that he'll be honest telling me how he feels. Every time I've given him an easy 'out' he's always smiled and reassured me, time and time again. If i'm not careful, I could end up pushing him away entirely. I doubt I'd ever forgive myself for that.
Okay. So today i'm going to focus on trying to let...these worries go. It's going to be mentally exhausting, but hopefully after some time, I'll feel myself relax and perhaps my inner bully will subside and diminish along with the other negative, doubtful cloud that looms over my head.
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