29.07.19

I'm feeling those standard Monday blues after what has been a truly wonderful weekend. Last night I almost cried with happiness.

It's always a surprise, because we never seem to plan it this way, never do I expect to spend so much time with him but it's always such a treat, I never ever want it to end. It always seems to fall into place nicely, we're always so delightfully indulgent, carefree, just living in the moment. Going out for dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, sleeping in late, going to the movies. I just want to do everything with him, all the time, i'm hopelessly falling for him in a big way and as much as I try to keep my feelings in check, I feel like a teenager again - constantly admiring his beauty, listening to every word he says, giving everything I can whilst being as cautious as possible. I mean, I can't deny i'm absolutely exhausted. Considering we sleep lots, we're talking so much, smiling and laughing constantly it's really rather tiring but it's the best sort of tired, the happy kind, I savor every single second.
Just when I think things can't get any better, I learn something new about him and the bar is raised once again. Our intimate moments are becoming more and more passionate. He's funnier and funnier around me. He's opened up so much more. I'm just blown away by how much there is to him, how similar we are in how we reveal our secrets, quirks, kinks. I only hope it continues.

I still find myself feeling scared. Even though I feel like we're becoming more connected, I suppose it feels as though there's even more to loose. I know at some point i've truly got to let go and trust him. Because i'm sure if we ever become something official, it won't eradicate those fears. I almost don't want to acknowledge that things are moving in a positive way, at a positive rate, we're not rushing and I love that about 'us.' It's just take every ounce of me to fight the urge the overwhelming thought 'I don't deserve him. He's just too good for me.' that's screaming in my mind. I look at my awkward silhouette next to his perfect form and wonder what he sees in me, if anything at all. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, I suppose it's just my past experiences that seem to have made a very strong impression on me, I can't shift it.

He reaches for my hand when we're out and about together, he puts his arm around me as we walk. I'm so conscious not to make the first move for fear of frightening him. But I can't deny the way he curls up to me sometimes, he closes his eyes, he falls asleep almost instantly, we wake up together i'm always met with smiles and kisses...it genuinely feels real. When he's there with me, he doesn't make me feel doubtful at all - it's all me. I don't feel tricked or played. I feel him slowly sharing more of himself with me, as I do with him and I think...with much anxiety to admit...he's enjoying 'us' too.

I don't think i've ever felt such strong a love for someone before. I just...I only want him.

I'm typing this so I remember. In case he disappears, in case it doesn't work out for whatever reason. I had this. I had this incredible person in my life, we had something that felt so magical to me, more than anything ever before. These are the thoughts i'll smile about when i'm old and my life's coming to an end...it's so dramatic, I know. I musn't put all my eggs in one basket. I've got to enjoy this, like i've got to enjoy every day. I know that i'm doing everything that I can, i'm putting in all of my effort. And it feels like he is too. Perhaps it's because i'm not used to this feeling.
No, i'm scared i'll eventually find out that he is indeed far too good for me and he's still hanging on for his ex or he's 'not in that place' or, 'I think we're better as friends' or something gutwrenchingly awful. Ah well. If that happens, eventually i'll have to accept that he isn't the one for me and at least I have some wonderful memories...

Soon i'll be 29. Next weekend in fact. Everyone's reminding me but I can't get excited. It's a stressful day for me, there's so much family pressure on me to entertain and perform. I'm dreading a response from mum as I told her i'll be coming back home next weekend instead. I'm sure she'll be disappointed and I feel so guilty but the reality is I want to go for a lovely meal at my favourite restaurant with Andy and get so very, very drunk together. That's how I want to see in my 29th year on this planet. Blissfully happy with someone I (most likely,) love. I just pray that it's not a repeat of last year where Phil felt like he owed me...urgh.

Sigh. More on all of that later...