I felt I was able to click into today's session a lot quicker than previous occasions. Of course as I sat down I felt a flurry of anxiousness as my temperature rose and I started rattling off my usual small chatter to fill the peace. But I clocked it, paused, admitted this anxiety with Louis and he allowed me to take a moment to calm down, which I did.
I initially felt a little thrown by his 'what do you want out of today's session?' question, as I had no idea - I never do. I said how the previous one I had a better idea as i had some homework and things to contemplate prior to going in, research to have in the wings to draw upon if need be. But this time, I didn't have any of that. I apologized as a form of muscle memory, he acknowledged how it seemed I wanted a plan, like there was a 'proper' way of doing therapy, a way I should be doing it.
It unraveled quickly into how I'd tried experimenting in some areas; walking with my head held high, but how i'd chickened out of other opportunities, such as phoning my mum on Sunday after no contact for 2 weeks. I felt anxiety before the call and was only able to talk about things she wanted to hear, as always. He wondered what I'd say to her if I didn't have this anxiety, and spoke freely to her. I daydreamed a moment realizing this was something I can't ever remember being able to do. I felt a sting of sadness. Then an overwhelming emotion of guilt. I must have recoiled as Louis sympathized, as he did for a lot of the session. I explained how I felt guilty and he tried to unpack why I felt this way. It's so complicated. It opened up a lot of memories. I explained how I felt that I imagined my mum would describe her feelings/relationship about me as complicated too, as through my younger adult life I felt a real sense of jealousy from her. There are things that I would like to talk to her about one day, but I realise she's probably forgotten them, or blocked them out. I explained an example from the young boy with learning difficulties who made my school years largely hellish and the key moment where I felt pressure like nothing before, which she dismissed coldly 'You never told me that! No, i'd have definitely remembered that happening.' and that was that.
I explained how the handful of moments in my entire lifetime where we'd had a confrontation, all ended with me shaking and in tears unable to communicate, my body going into survival mode. Her volatile, 'no safety catch' approach was always a reaction to an attack, like everything was my fault. I never felt any consolation, never had an apology, it was all 'carry on as normal' and it was buried deeply within where it has remained untouched for decades.
'It strikes me as the idea of talking about your feelings with your mum, even in the realms of fantasy, are almost forbidden to you.' It's true, I can't even fathom it. Guilt overwhelms me too much.
'It must have felt so, incredibly painful for you. Perhaps that's why you want to lead a conflict free life, that these times were so, painful that you'll do everything you can to prevent feeling like that ever again.' It was a significant moment. And for him to then look at me, with what appeared to be tears in his eyes (I'm not sure if it was just the heat, possibly,) 'I'm so sorry that you experienced that. Clearly, it has significantly impacted how you put yourself about in the world.' It stung me to hear this. The moment felt bittersweet, because it felt so nice to hear someone say that. But it also confirmed that something I've always known and felt isn't 'the norm.' And it's going to be very difficult to moving past this.
He linked these things to my romantic relationships, and how I feel scared to let them in, scared they might say something hurtful and cruel, scared that I might be a burden on them. I keep myself fairly neutral as a way of keeping them feeling content and happy, as I would my mother. I keep myself distant whilst appearing very present, as a way to protect myself in case they do something unpredictable or possibly unkind. I basically apply this strategy to everyone I meet, where once upon a time it must have applied just to my mother but I can't remember where the lines became blurred. The constant apologising, the withholding of my feelings, the anticipation of possibly being a disappointment...it was all a way of protecting me from hurt, and, her too.
He asked if the experiences I went through with Lucas at school things had affected my caution to men in general, though, I don't think it has. Even after experiencing sexual assault (which I haven't mentioned,) I think the unconditional love I have for my dad and brother and the wonderful people they are, gives me hope. 'Being stalked can be deeply traumatizing, particularly if it's happened over the course of a number of years, and at a very young age.' It's true, it all had a significant impact on my life. I felt very let down by a lot of people. I know I handled it in a mature way at the time, and it made me grow up very quickly, but I do wonder what my secondary school years would have been like if he hadn't have been there. I can't change the past.
I do feel a lot of guilt surrounding the way I feel about my mother. How it feels wrong to have this sort of relationship, but i've engineered it to be this way and it feels so difficult changing it. It feels as though so much of it is my fault. I've created a 'vacuum' around her, I keep such a lot of distance. I'm so scared to let her in because I'm frightened by what she might say, what she might do, what she might think. I feel better when there's distance and when we're in contact on the phone or in person, it is overtly stressful and anxiety enduing for me. We often have nice times, and I feel guilty for thinking the things I do about her and our relationship. I also feel upset that there's so much she doesn't know about me, so much she doesn't care to ask about. She would surely be devastated if she learned how I truly felt, i'm not sure it's something we could ever recover from. She seems satisfied with our relationship now as it is, so, it's so very tempting for me to leave it as it is, and carry on as I always have done.
Louis starting talking about eventual things that therapy might be able to do for me, perhaps one day I'll be able to feel a little bit more free. Free to speak as I would like to, free from the rate of anxiety I feel so frequently. It seems like such a wonderful dream, one that feels so far our of reach.
He said that by talking about all of this, we were beginning to see themes in my behavior from some of these experiences. It's true. I suppose I knew it all along but it's difficult to trust my mind as it seems to assume plenty that isn't true.
At this point I don't feel as drained or bummed out as I did compared to before. I feel a little, dare I say, positive. I'm sure it won't last very long, but finally cracking into some 'forbidden' areas of my mind with someone considerately taking it all on board felt reassuring and comforting. I don't know where this leaves me. I don't know what the future holds in terms of...getting through these habits which are so terribly ingrained in me.
I want the change and I appreciate that it might take me take a long time. Months, possibly even years. I know full well that I cannot keep up my current mindset, it's far too exhausting and it's preventing me on being able to focus on other things. It's preventing me from being able to fully enjoy things that I should be enjoying.
I've been given a small, optional task of writing some 'do not send' letters, where I write out all the things I wish I'd say but of course, wouldn't actually in reality. It'll be tough but it'll be interesting how they make me feel reading back...
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