I feel almost dizzy with happiness. I wonder how long this feeling will last, I dearly hope it'll be a good while because as dramatic as it sounds, it wouldn't matter if I died right now, I just feel...complete. I'm sure reading this back later in the week will be with a heart heavy with worry and fear, but now I need to remember that the wonderful weekend that just passed, happened. It happened to me, I thoroughly, truly enjoyed myself and to experience this, I'm just so incredibly grateful.
I am hesitant to admit that Monday is here, because I don't want to start a new week. I want this feeling of love to linger, I just want to ponder and reflect on everything that happened. I didn't want to leave his side this morning wrapped around each other. I'm starting to believe that perhaps maybe, he might just feel the same way...but I don't want to get too carried away thinking about this, in case it all dissolves.
Friday he came and met me at the tube station and we wandered to a nearby restaurant for rose wine and some dinner before going to watch a film. I had to wait a good hour to let the giddiness subside, he's so cool and lovely I just find myself overwhelmed with excitable chatter, as though I can't believe he's actually real, let alone right there with me. We caught up on our weeks, a few moments being a few hours in reality and we darted to the movie late. His arm fell into my lap and I felt at home. We ambled the short walk home, I tried sheltering him under my umbrella as he vaped, my arm entwined with his. It was so lovely to have him back at my flat, we carried on drinking unusual cocktails of my fridge remains combined with white rum and sat cross-legged on the floor with the balcony doors open watching the rain pour down, just talking the entire time.
I'd missed him so much. We kissed and I just felt my body tingle as I wanted the moment to last forever. It was 3am before we turned in and I love how when we stir we kiss each other's skin sleepily, our bodies constantly connected.
We got up slowly on Saturday, it was 4pm when we decided to head out for breakfast. We sat outside and talked, I felt like I learned so much about him, he'd tried hypnotherapy for bouts on anxiety in the past, he lived with his ex girlfriend and they were together for 8 years...'are you surprised?' he asked a little shyly. I said that I wasn't really, that 8 years is a significant amount of time, but it made sense knowing what I did about him, and I'd be more surprised if it were the opposite and his relationship lasted only 8 months or something. I suppose I did feel my heart drop a little, I wondered if he was perhaps like Josh or Phil, he was looking for good times, not another relationship but I put the thoughts to the back of my head. I didn't want to ask, eventhough I knew that I could have done, because I didn't know what i'd do with the answer if it transpired they'd ended only a few months ago and he was still hurting. My core feels this isn't the case, but I don't want to remind him of this, or make things awkward so I'm just going to leave it and wait for him to tell me when he's ready to. He asked me about my thoughts on marriage, my 'dream wedding' and whether or not my family encourage this. 'I believe in marriage' he smiled, he went on to say that he loves what it represents and that he's always a little cautious of those who are together for a long time without committing in this way, as though they've always one foot out the door. I've never heard a man say this before and I found myself a little surprised by it. I looked at him and tried to ignore the screaming thoughts of 'I want you to be my husband!! We'd have a beautifully intimate wedding!! I want to live with you!! We'd have a wonderful home together!!' racing through my mind. I quickly shut them down. It's all just words, at the end of the day, isn't it. Actions will speak louder and perhaps i'll never find this out. Sometimes I wonder if he asks to gauge my excitement, to see if I interpret it as him and me, but I mainly think he asks because he's curious and thoughtful, plus they make for interesting conversation too.
We ambled by the canal, and stopped off at the place where we had our first date and sat with cocktails watching couples and families stroll by the water enjoying their weekend. It was so nice returning to where we'd once been, where he appeared in front of me even more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined. I remember the staff smiling at me as I sat alone waiting for him to arrive, I wondered what they thought as we left together, shyly, a little awkwardly. If the ghost of my future had appeared beside me that fateful day, told me that I'd soon be falling head over heels for the guy who was soon to arrive...I probably would have believed it, but wouldn't have thought we'd be revisiting again in a couple of months.
The sun started to set so we ambled to the supermarket picked up some ingredients and went back to mine to drink out on the balcony listening to music, still talking and talking. He spoke more of his family which was really interesting and I liked how he opened up and let it all spill out. It got to about 1am and felt hungry so we decided to make lasagna together tipsily and ate it happily amazingly without burning the house down. It was so fun just being around him, having him in my space, larking about being silly or just being deep, talking about all sorts of things. After getting ready for bed I found him curled up in front of the TV sleeping and he just looked so adorable, I just felt so much love and care for him, just...all I could possibly want.
The following day we got up late again, ate breakfast and got ready for the day. We were getting geared up to visit the Proms later in the evening so he popped out to buy a shirt. I loved the sound of my keys turning in the front door as he let himself in...
I really wasn't expecting to spend the entire weekend together but I was so happy that we did. We even had moments where we were tired/hungry/a little stressed together which I were no trouble at all.
The classical performance was beautiful and I felt so happy and lucky to be there with him.
I tried to say goodbye without getting him out of bed but he got up to see me out of the door. I realised that I wouldn't have been able to sneakily leave the drawing and card somewhere so before I left I told him I had a lil something for him and I was going to leave it on his kitchen counter for him to open later on. He beamed and although I felt anxious about whether it was possibly too much, I knew I had to do it. I drew it for him, he needed to have it. I finished off a little drawing of two pigeons, I showed him a picture sketched out and he loved them, so I felt he needed to have them to. I couldn't give it without a message, so I painstakingly took a long while drafting out a caring yet non-pressure message inside the card as I didn't want to scare him. 'Just a little something to say that I think you're absolutely wonderful, and the past few weeks have been truly amazing. Thank you so much for everything, I hope that we continue to share many more fun lil adventures together.' Love and 3 'xxx' and a 'PS - I knew that as soon as I finished this charming pair they were meant for you!'
I hope he likes them and isn't frightened by the gesture...I hope that I see him soon...he's postponing opening it up but we have 'xxx' at the end of the message some i'm fucking delighted.
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