18.07.19

I continued feeling very blue yesterday. It was a miserable day at work and the atmosphere hung in the air like a bad smell that just wouldn't shift. I felt so drained and tired, smiling seemed to be too much of an effort. I just felt very hopeless, not sure how to pull myself out of the terrible mood I was in.
I realized that I missed company and needed to laugh so I messaged my brother to see what he was up to and he came over later in the evening. It was so good to see him, clicked back in our usual style, we shared pizza and talked lots about all sorts of things, how he was doing, what was new with him, and my recent therapy sessions. He's had his own experiences with therapy so it was interesting to hear his take on things. He gave me lots of hugs and made it easy for me to be open about the sorts of things we'd talked about.

I explained how I had to try and challenge my usual habits and ways of being, to test if my assumptions are correct and worth the worry. A very frightening thought indeed.
I told my Ed about how I was feeling on edge in general, how I was struggling to bounce back from the session earlier in the week and how it had been 3 days since I'd heard anything from Andy and it was making me feel very anxious. Fighting the negative thoughts felt like a losing battle, I was hanging on to excuses for him but when I explained the situation to Ed he frowned and said 'uh no, that's not on at all, it's a little rude actually,' and I nodded, completely understanding this. Of course i'd thought this too but the forgiving side of me kept me from messaging 'He's probably had a very busy week, he's tired, the week's ran away with him, i'm sure he's still up for Sunday.' I repeat, like a mantra. But the anxiety truly peaked seeing my brother's expression, I knew that was the moment to test and 'experiment' by talking about how I felt with someone I really cared about, and feared losing.
'What do you really want to get across to him? - Just jot that down first then add the polite padding around it afterwards,' Ed kindly advised. It was great having him there for support, though it felt a little silly too, my younger brother offering words of wisdom to his crazed, lost sister.
I composed a chatty, friendly message checking to see if all was still on for Sunday. After I hit send the anxiety climbed to even greater heights, but Ed's constant reassurance that I was only being very reasonable, helped me calm down a little. We carried on the evening, talking and listening to music until he headed home. I went to bed and slept well, though i'm sure I dreamed of Andy at various points.

I woke up before my alarm to anxiety in my stomach, realization to what I'd done the previous evening. What if there was nothing there? What if I never heard from him ever again? I saw two messaged from Andy waiting to be read. I felt so sick. It was something, which is better than nothing...what if it was a 'let's call this a day' message?

'Of course!! I'm very much looking forward to Sunday and I hope you're still game too?!! I only have one last shift tomorrow night, finishing at 11pm and then i'm actually free for the rest of the weekend. I actually don't have any work for Monday yet too, so I may well just take it off and have a 4 day weekend! At the moment I have no plans at all, other than to hopefully catch up with your lovely self! How's the rest of the week looking for you? Any plans in the pipeline? I'll certainly be replying to your message in it's entirety tomorrow and who knows, perhaps we could even have a natter on the phone :D xx'

My sleepy eyes read and reread the text feeling both foolish and grateful all at the same time. The two little 'xx' at the end really made me smile, as minor a detail this is, it's progression. I haven't been brave enough to leave any kisses for fear of looking too forward/child-like/pressuring. I can hardly believe it.
I wonder if I picked up on my concern. I suppose I just wanted to know what was going on without him having to worry about replying to everything i'd previously written 'in full.' I replied saying not to worry, that I'd suspected that he'd had a busy week but I hope he didn't mind me checking. I said that I was really looking forward to Sunday too and that I hadn't any plans for the weekend and perhaps we could arrange a little something on Saturday too. I left the offer open to call if he fancied, perhaps we will chat later on, perhaps we won't.

I don't think I have the guts to share that it's been a bit of a difficult week which lead me to feeling doubtful about his agenda with me. It's frustrating because I knew it all along, but I didn't allow myself to 'trust the process' like I've been trying to. But then, I know my double-checking wasn't out of line, and if I were to have received the same message I'd take it as a 'hey, this person cares about me,' and 3 days is a fair bit of time.
Ed suggested that perhaps I bring this up when next appropriate in person, how the extended pauses in our messages make me feel uncomfortable and on-edge. I'm not sure if I can. It seems too intense at this point, it might lead to a 'what are we?' question and i'd hate to put him on the spot.
Sigh.
Who knows.
But, I've got to enjoy this moment while it's here! He sent two kisses and Sunday's still happening! That's great news!