I shut my laptop lid, saw that I had the whole evening ahead of me so I made something to eat and settled in to some drawing. After about half an hour, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to cry and I collapsed into a heap of tears. I felt so sad. So alone. So overwhelmed by everything. So very daunted. I let myself tense and grip at my body and let them shake me to my core. I let the feeling sink in, I acknowledged how desperately upset I felt and allowed the feeling of relief flood over me afterwards.
I just looked at my phone and saw that nobody was there. Nobody cared. I'm sure Andy will reply when he's good and ready, but even so, three days without a peep, I don't like it. I can't do it. I've got to say something.
I just felt (and still feel,) so pathetic.
We've plans to go to a show together on Sunday, this pause in communication makes me doubt that we will. It always does. I just feel like hitting myself in the face. As soon as I come to some sort of decision, get a bit of clarity, I get nothing. Punishment for committing to something.
Onwards and upwards I suppose.
Heavy sigh.
I know that I've got to challenge my usual way of thinking and being. I know that I've got to be more outspoken. I know that I need to tell Andy how I feel.
The thing is, the anxiety I feel is all my own doing. He is always apologizing for his delayed replies, and explains to why they occur without me even asking. It's just can't stand this limbo stage of not knowing, not knowing what to do with myself, not knowing what to say, I hate it.
I'm afraid of losing him, by saying how I feel. That can't be right, surely. I suppose I'm excusing his pauses knowing his introverted qualities and busy work schedule. I know this. But I still hate this sensation in my tummy that something bad is going to happen, it doesn't make me feel relaxed in any way.
I'm feeling drained today. Unable to master any enthusiasm for anything. The only thing I seem able to put up with is listening to stand-up comedy.
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