I've just got back from my third therapy session. I'm just going to unload everything while it is still fresh in my memory, then unpack more of my thoughts afterwards as before.
Initial thoughts
We connected more this time. The time passed very quickly and it ended with him saying how I was 'really in it' - in that I was talking relatively easily about things but the session had ended.
Pretty much as soon as I sat down I told Louis how I felt a little anxious though this was nothing unusual. I often felt anxious before appointments, meetings or even little things like getting onto a tube carriage. As he quizzed me more on this, I explained that it wasn't the time-keeping factor (which is meticulous,) but the actual appointment itself and I couldn't put my finger on why exactly, it had been all i'd known for most of my adult life.
He let the admission hang in the air for a moment, he said he was allowing me to ponder what I thought it could mean as it probably hadn't been asked before - he was right. He wondered if perhaps it was a performance anxiety that I might have, that perhaps it's the feeling that I have to behave a certain way and there's a risk that they might not like it. He linked it to things i'd expressed before, that perhaps I didn't feel as though I should be, that I worried how people might perceive me. I agreed that this was accurate.
I waffled on about something, I got self-conscious of what I was saying, apologized, looked away. I drew his attention to my 'going about the houses' talking about what I wanted to say and finding it very frustrating. I apologized again. He noticed how guilty I felt about talking out loud about these things. I do.
He said that he was aware that I must find it hard talking about my feelings. I talked about what I wrote in my previous entries about finding the vagueness of therapy and our sessions made me feel a little uncomfortable and on-edge. I said how it was unusual for me to be sat and asked how I was truly feeling, I wasn't used to it, so the barrier naturally took a while to come down. He noticed that perhaps when levels of anxiety are higher, my self-consciousness increases with it, I agreed.
He said how perhaps I felt worried that my worrying in letting other people down, was also a worry of me not wanting them to feel how I've felt before. - Being let down. He said that going through difficult times where I needed support and someone to talk to, can be just as painful built up over time than someone out-right saying something cruel or hurtful, something I want to avoid. He said that I shouldn't belittle how I feel, or think that the pain I feel or have felt isn't relevant. I shouldn't compare it to other people.
He asked me what I worried about, in saying how I felt without filtering. I said that I feared letting people in. When he asked why that was, I said that I worried that i'd have to go in to more details and how they'd react- either not caring, or caring too much, perhaps holding this information against me. He said that I wanted to avoid feeling humiliated, which can be a risk when putting ones feelings out there.
He gave me a task this week to challenge my usual thoughts and my assumptions in certain situations. To see if my fears are fairly justified. To walk on the street with my head held high, and make a note of what happens. To say how I feel without thinking too much about it, and seeing how it goes down. He said that it would be scary, but to look at the whole process as a scientist, carrying out some research. Use this week to experiment and report back next week.
First challenge - walking down the street with my held high.
I walked with purpose, but no quicker or slower than I usually do. I put headphones in and, sunglasses on for a little bit of comfort.
I noticed that the walk felt quicker.
I did feel uncomfortable. I felt self-conscious.
I worried I might look as though I have a 'resting bitch face.'
I was aware that not many people walk with their head held high, people are often looking down at their phones. The people who did look at me tried to make eye-contact with me. They were men. One man smiled at me. The session had obviously brought feelings close to the surface because I was suddenly reminded of a time where I felt humiliated. Me and mum walked by the seafront one afternoon just the two of us and two young men walked by, one wolf-whistled at me and made some sort of comment. I tried to brush it off but mum was annoyed, saying how embarrassing it was to be seen with me, how men were always shouting at me. It spoiled the rest of the walk and she was angry at me for the remainder of the evening.
I hadn't provoked the mans gesture in any way, it wasn't even something I'd mentioned happening to mum before. 'Every time we go out you've always got some male attention,' she said bitterly. I know the memory stays vividly with me because I found it so unfair. I think it's a large part of why I fear walking by a group of men. Part of me likes that I might be deemed attractive, but the other side of me feels deeply self-conscious and wants nothing more than to dissolve into the ground.
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