12.07.19

Unpacking this feeling of anxiety

I've been feeling very conscious of my anxiety this morning, it's like a wiring sensation at the very pit of my stomach, the feeling as though something bad is about to happen.
Since my therapy session, i've been trying to listen to my body more and my usual thought process. What I thought was normal and something that everybody did, might actually be a misconception of mine. Another clever trick the 'bully' side of my mind has played on me. My mind is so noisy and full of chatter, constantly manipulating my thoughts into worries. I'm sure my anxiousness this morning is a result of this, but there are a couple of other factors such as;

1) I got up early this morning and didn't have a very settled nights sleep (which is unusual for me.) Could be temperature, but more likely worries in general (these worries are linked to not hearing anything from Andy - assuming the worst, as I always do.)

2) Strong coffee without breakfast (no time.)

3) Potential upcoming date this evening with a guy I don't even want to go on a date with.

4) Cancelling a date tomorrow evening with a guy I also don't think I like.


Reflections on those points


1) Unsettled sleep for me usually means I've a lot on my mind. I do. I'm sure tonight will be much better though (i'm already exhausted. A familiar feeling.)

2) This has a very obvious impact on my body in that it makes me 'juddery' and sweat more, but it's a once a week thing and something I savor and look forward to.

3) This guy is such a mess. But I got teased in by his sexually fueled chat and flattery. I keep telling myself that I'll likely have a nice time in his company but I know that overall he'll be bad for me - he's so all over the place/unreliable/not even that attractive. So I feel like I should save myself the trouble and just cut him out of my life - we don't owe each other anything. But telling him this makes me feel incredibly anxious. - listening to this anxiety, it's telling me that I could be cutting out 'the potential love of my life' - I know this is ridiculous, but why do I keep telling myself this? I know deep down it would only be sex, and i'm really not that desperate.

4) I made up an excuse so I could go and see my dad instead. I can't afford the date, I don't approve of this guy's job and I'm just...not feeling it. Again, I felt so flattered that he wanted to arrange a date with me that I just agreed to it.


I've got to nip these dates in the bud. I don't really want to go on any of them. I'm doing it because I keep telling myself that I should. What am I looking for? I've found the one I want to be with. I keep telling myself that it's protection I suppose, in case it transpires that Andy doesn't feel the same way as me. But that's wrong of me. I need to stop it now. I'm not being sincere to these other people, and, i'm not being sincere to Andy either, i'm sure he doesn't think i'm meeting other people. I'm withholding how I feel from him and it feels...unpleasant. And that feeling gets muddled in to my 'anxiety.'

All of this...thinking is making me realise what Louis maybe saw in me. That's i'm a deeply analytical person, and over years upon years of turning things over and over in my mind, (since I was about 12 or 13 years old,) it just feels so natural to me. It's like my mind has secreted a hardened case around it, making it impossible for logical questions to penetrate it. The bully side of my mind keeps adding layers, the rational me just can't get through. I've got so good at telling myself that all of this, the way I am, is normal behavior. My patience and resilient nature is tested every single day. By me.

This is a breakthrough. I don't have to live this way. It's a lot to unpack though.

I've got to deal with what I can do right now, which is; cancelling all future dates.
Done.
I feel on-edge because I hate knowing i've let someone down, even if I haven't met them before. I hate feeling disliked or as though i'm the reason for their feeling of disappointment. But i've got to listen to my gut. I don't have the money right now to spend on people I don't really know/like. I don't have the energy. I don't really have the desire. It's the bully side of my mind who's lapping up the attention.
But it's definitely sensible. Not only would inviting this person into my life be potentially dangerous (he's admitted taking real enjoyment inflicting pain on others,) he's also mentally unstable - i'm not looking for either of those things in a partner right now.

Instead, i'm going to get comfy at home after work and carry on drawing (which is very nearly finished.) I will frame it, wrap it, ready to (hopefully) give to Andy when I next see him. - I'm fighting the urge to say 'if I see him again' but...I know it's so ridiculously negative - I mean, he hasn't given me any indication to believe this. We've been talking about seeing more of the city together, going to BBC proms, he's even bought tickets to the gig me and my brother are going to next month. Why, why, do I believe that he's going to let me down? That i'm just destined to feel devastated?