10.07.19

Today I attended my second therapy session.

My mind is scattered all over the show at the moment, so I'm just going to unload it all right here, let it percolate, and write another entry later on.


Initial takeaways


I noticed the way I sat in the chair was awkward, tight, legs wrapped around myself, fiddling constantly with my hands/fingers. I wouldn’t have ever described myself as being a fidgety sort, but clearly in situations I’m uncomfortable in, I am.

I couldn’t look him in the eye for long periods of time. The moments of silence made me feel uncomfortable. I wanted to fill the space with ‘yeahs’ and ‘so..’ just to make noise.
This irritated me. I’m aware he deliberately leaves space so I can slow down and think, yet I’m in a rush to power my way through it.

I felt out of control in the session, not knowing the direction it was meant to be going in, what the outcome of it all is, it left me feeling out of my comfort zone. It was like a stream of text without sub headings or titles which left me feeling as though I wasn’t saying enough or at the right times. (Linking back to these constraints I naturally want to put on myself/situations.)
I suppose I want it to be as tidy as possible, I see it as a task that needs to be concluded in a timely, efficient way. But of course, therapy isn’t like this. Open-ended situations clearly make me feel uncomfortable. I’ve nothing to gauge these sessions against.

I often interpreted the things he said as matter of fact opinions when really they were open ended sentences encouraging me to muse/ponder them.

It definitely took me a good half an hour to warm up and relax into things. I hope this will get better as sessions continue.

I felt happy when I made him laugh. There were a couple of moments where I felt almost a little relieved that the dynamic broke a little and I was no longer just 'a person' sitting in front of him, but a person who enjoyed laughing and making others feel comfortable.
I’ve no doubt he’s aware of this, emphasizing that clearly I’ve a desire to be liked by everyone and not ever wanting to drag the mood down.

He sensed that maybe I was withholding things from him in a sort of way to protect him.

He wondered if I perhaps worried that I’d feel disappointed by the sessions.

He said that we should be conscious that these sessions might lead to some places that make me feel very uncomfortable, and that perhaps we should treat carefully, perhaps I won’t like it and won’t want to continue.

A bit of a breakthrough moment for me was voicing my desire to be wanted/liked/desired/cherished without wanting to cringe or retreat into myself. Perhaps this desire is valid.

I can't help but worry that Louis might suddenly cut the sessions off, perhaps he’ll be unsatisfied with how I’m performing. Perhaps he won’t like me, or he’ll feel like there’s nothing in it for him...ridiculous. I worry I’m wasting his time and there’s likely someone else out there who needs his time more than me.

He’s definitely on to something. I thought that perhaps he’d latch onto the wrong thing with me but he seems to be opening up a lot of things. I wish there was a way I could pack him in my pocket as support for every day scenarios.


Questions he asked me


What do you think is going to happen if you talk freely with people about how you feel?

This conflict within yourself, where does that leave you?

How do you think these sessions can help you, what do you want from them?


Observations he made


I have a lot of complex systems in place going on in my mind - I’m very good at 'parceling up my pain.' This makes it’s easy for me to appear as though I can detach quickly.

I put constrictions on myself.

I have a bully in my mind, who holds me back.

My withholding of real feelings about things is fueled by my desire to lead a conflict-free life, keeping things light and easy for the other person.

I fear rejection.

I just want to be liked and cherished, which I said made me feel lame but he said it makes sense after what he’s learned about my background, after spending a lot of my time/childhood feeling hated.

He picked up that I say ‘should’ a lot, as though there’s a way that I should be feeling, that there’s a right way of feeling.

I noticed that I go around the houses a LOT before actually saying what I want to say. He picked up that I seemed frustrated by this and perhaps I feel very frustrated at myself in general. He is correct.



He encouraged me to keep a diary. When I told him that I did already, he was pleased to hear this and feels I should bring some of it with me to our next session. He said it would be interesting to focus writing about the moments where I feel I’ve hit ‘that wall.’