10.07.19 pt 2

Today’s reflections part 2


I was feeling very thoughtful earlier this morning, allowing everything to sink in, reflecting and jotting down notes. Whereas now I feel so very tired. I feel heavy. I could probably do with an early night but I also believe that the experience has taken an emotional toll on me. I’m not at all used to the therapy environment. I want it to feel increasingly safe for me, to trust Louis and really open up to him and break through my usual habits. I don’t know what I’m afraid of. But when I’m sat there, being looked at and being listened to, I feel the barrier raising up and I start shutting down.
I see it happening, he sees it happening, it’s embarrassing. Who am I trying to protect? It’s just so ingrained in me, it’s difficult to not do what feels so natural to me.
Of course, about half an hour in after learning that there’s no negative consequences to my opening up, I feel it’s a lot easier to get my answers out. I do less ‘padding’ around the points and memories are closer to the surface.
I do hope it’ll become more natural for me over time, I believe that it will.


What do I want out of therapy?


Right now, I don’t feel as though the way I’m thinking/being is normal, and it hasn’t been for many years.

I want to try and get to the bottom of why I am…the way I am.

I want to hear less noise in my mind.

I want to break through the fear I feel of communicating honestly with others.

I want to feel less intense anxiety on a daily basis, over things that are outside of my control.

I want to learn how to ‘trust the process’

I want to feel lighter. I no longer want the bully in my mind to hold me back from doing what I want to do.

I want to feel confident in my ability to talk with others and not fear what they might secretly be thinking of me.

I just want to breath again.


I am hopeful and I want to give this my all. But I do worry about what it might dredge up.