08.07.19

I sat on the bus staring out of the window questioning what I was doing. I was having a moment of self-reflection, checking in with myself, making sure I wasn't going overboard with my emotions.
The bus was a curve ball and something I was not expecting on my way to Andy's neck of the woods but it was replacing the rail service I didn't have another option. I rather enjoyed the experience as it gave me time to mull things over, watching the world go by until I realised I was becoming increasingly late which I cannot stand. Of course he was only understanding. I felt excited to see him, but also on-edge. I wasn't sure what to expect. It was a situation that makes me feel apprehensive at the best of times; no real plan of action, wondering where we'll meet, maybe we won't, no real time pinned. And there wasn't much build up either, it had been about two - three days since i'd had any message from him and I was starting to think that perhaps it might not even end up happening.
But I tried my best to listen to myself, trust him and trust the whole 'what will be, will be' mentality i've been desperately clinging to and to see his replies just elevated my soul.
He told me he'd agreed to an old friend of his crashing at his place for a few days to help him out of a tight spot, which was so sweet of him to do. I read between the lines and assumed that I wouldn't be staying as to not cramp his style. We were going to get some late lunch somewhere and just see where the day lead. It was 3 or so hours later than we planned it, he thanked me for my patience while he helped his friend move some stuff in, which I of course told him not to worry. The bus eventually came to my stop and I felt nervous as I approached the station, but then he appeared. He just looked so good standing across the street from me, I couldn't help but smile when I saw his and I crossed over to give him a hug and kissed him on the cheek, I just can't help it. As we pulled away from out embrace he gave me one too and immediately all my worries disappeared. I felt as though he was happy to see me and it just felt so nice, I just felt like the luckiest person in the world.
We walked towards the park in the sunshine and chatted excitedly, catching up on our weeks for a good couple of hours. We went and sat on a bench in the shade, and carried on talking, he put his arm around me and we shared some kisses, it was just so lovely. The thing is, as soon as I see him I just want to shower him with affection but I refrain. I think it's because he's just so attractive and so, so sweet and gentlemanly, i'm not used to it, so it's almost like I don't know how to act. It's a little sad admitting that actually, clearly i'm not used to being myself around other people. I feel completely myself around him though, I chat giddily about all sorts of nonsense and he's so gracious and kind, he laughs at the right times and is always complimentary. I suppose i've never met anyone so lovely, which in turn makes me feel wary. 'He's too nice to tell you he doesn't like you,' springs to mind, and I find it hard to ignore. I've no idea where it comes from, it's snuck out a couple of times in the form of little jokes but he assures me that he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to be.
I just enjoyed our time together, so, so much. I just felt myself beaming, my cheeks aching from smiling so much. We went and had some dinner at a nearby Italian place and ate pizza outside under the trees. We drank wine and carried on talking, laughing, sharing. He acts very casual about things which I often interpret as him maybe not caring but I realise that's wrong. He does care, he does remember things and I love how he makes the effort to ask me things. Conversation always flows so nicely. Perhaps he says these things because it sounds good, along with suggestions to do things together, like visit The North for a long weekend, or make lasagna together. He recently bought tickets to a gig that me and my brother are attending in August, originally I thought he'd bought a few tickets for his sister Laura/friends and perhaps we'd meet at some point, but no, he said he was looking forward to sampling beats together in the sunshine. I just, can't believe it - what's he doing with me? I know I need to get around this strange obsession of mine that he's just seeing me to pass the time before someone better comes along. But it's hard when he's so beautiful, inside and out. I dream for a little getaway together - it's almost too good to be true, I don't want to let myself get too carried away by the idea. This week he's working every single day, but I suggested that perhaps the following weekend we do something together and seemed up for it. Again, i'm just going to go with the flow.
I told him I would leave whenever, I didn't want to take up too much of his time but he insisted that he could stay out whenever and that he wanted to see me for as long as possible. We went to the pub next door for one last drink and sat outside in the large beer garden and carried on talking. He said that he was thinking that he might stay in his current flat, he wanted to move into shared accommodation to save money but he was happy where he was. He asked me if I was planning on staying at my current flat for a long while. I acted cool, I didn't want to interpret the question as a 'perhaps we could live together one day' but of course my heart skipped even thinking of the idea - preposterous! So soon, my god, keep it together urgggh. I said that no, I wasn't planning on being there long, but I was enjoying it for now. I was being breezy about it, but there was a lot of truth in my reply.
The bar was closing and the urged us to finish up, so we did and ambled out the front where I said I should think about going home. We hugged and kissed while I deliberated, 'you're welcome to stay you know, I'd like that' he smiled, 'I just want to snuggle you...' I was so surprised and elated, we walked back to his hand in hand a little tipsily. I ended up meeting his friend, who was a funny fellow - loud, sweary, rolling up a joint, stuff all over the place and very chatty. I instantly took a liking to him and we chatted a little before going to bed. I enjoyed being close to Andy again, I'd missed the closeness of him, the kisses - no words, just, burying ourselves within each other. I just felt love pour out from beneath my skin, as my head slipped into the crux of his neck and I breathed him in, I just felt like the world could end and I wouldn't care. How lucky I was in that very moment. Overcome with teenage emotions running high, blood roaring in my ears with excitement yet an awkwardness as to how to position myself without wanting to be too forward or, running any risk of making him feel uncomfortable. We just laid there and fell asleep, I smile to myself as I hear his breathing get heavier, snoring a little, his beautiful eyelashes closed against my cheek.
So, the whole 'keeping my emotions in check' thing isn't going quite to plan. I wish I could be more cool about it all, but then again, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if things started to fade. I know that this is all a part of the process, all my relationships prior went through an uncomfortable patch for me, where I was in a constant state of fear that i'd do something wrong or say something to put the other person off me. It was like once the label was assigned, I could finally relax. Thing is, I know that a label doesn't change anything at all. If someone is still going to lose interest, they still will, label or not. If someone is going to cheat, they still will. It's all in the actions. I know i've just got to carry on being me, just bubbling along with him, just seeing where it takes us. There's still a lot about him and his past that I don't know about, there may be some truths that come to light that make me think twice. Sometimes it's good to take the time, take stock, just, not rush or worry too much. All the time I spend worrying, I lose the good moments, and spoil the lead-up.
I woke up to him this morning cuddling me, kissing my back and saying goodbye. He was off really early so I stayed in bed for another hour before I had to leave. I like that he trusts me to be in his bed without him. He doesn't have many personal effects but still, it's his space but it's the third time now and his place is rather growing on me.

I'm working on a drawing to give him the next time I see him (well, if I do.) I've just got the overwhelming urge to make him something, it's my way of showing that I care. It'll keep me occupied and he totally deserves it.