I’m tempted to say that my weekend was ‘blissful’ though that sounds a little twee. I met with Andy on the hot Saturday afternoon and we ambled together in the park, sat in a shady spot with iced coffees and chatted for hours about life. It’s so easy for me to be honest with him, open about myself and my struggles - anxiety, perhaps lil bouts of depression, therapy, family, relationships. We brushed on ‘ageing’ and how in August I’ll be turning 29 and he asked me my thoughts, I said how I felt like I wasn’t sure I was where I wanted to be - but he made me feel reassured, that there’s no rush and that we’ve plenty of time.
We wandered to a nearby local Greek restaurant, drank rose wine to live music, talking about creativity, music and his work. We went back to his, slept in, went for breakfast, walked about town, saw a movie in the evening. This morning he got up early and kissed me saying he’d see me soon.
I do hope so.
Sitting here and reflecting, I feel so incredibly lucky, to have even met this person. He is truly beautiful inside and out. I just want to love him, so, so much. He deserves every thing he could possibly want, he is so generous, caring and sweet and he’s had a bit of a life and I just want to protect him from anything bad. I’m aware of how smothering that sounds but I don’t mean it like that, I mean it only radiating from within myself, let myself do what feels natural to me without fear.
He talked about wanting to take me to a club I’ve always wanted to visit, and perhaps going away to a beautiful part of the country together. Perhaps he was tipsy or just saying it because it sounded good, but it just made me glow with happiness. When we’re together, we’re so intimate, when sleeping it’s like every part of our bodies has to be connected in some way, we kiss in the same sort of affection way, he is so thoughtful and just...yeah I think I love him. It’s so soon, he’s going to destroy me, but when I’m with him I only want it to be us - I’m not thinking about anything else, anyone else, I’m just enjoying our time together, talking about big things I’m not usually able to with others, just...sharing.
I’m sure I’m getting far too carried away and one day I’ll read this entry back and almost shudder in cringe as he’s no longer a part of my life and I’m reeling from yet another disappointing date. But right now, in my sleepy state nursing coffee in this familiar window, ignoring the debt I’m in and the cries of my aching body, I’m just enjoying it. I’m just enjoying the memories I’ve already had with this man, and know that they are mine - they happened, they were true. So maybe one day it will end - who knows, perhaps I’ll never heard from him again, or he moves away suddenly or he gets back his ex, I don’t know. Yes, I’ll be sad but it can’t be any more sad at the despair I felt hiding bruises from the date where I was sexually assaulted, or propositioned for party drugs at 12.30pm on a Saturday. Or trying to diplomatically react to racist, risqué jokes awkwardly.
The times I’ve spent with Andy have been some of the most wholesome I’ve ever experienced. that can’t be denied, I shouldn’t feel guilty for having them, I loved them and I hope that we have many more together, I hope one day he’ll let love him, passionately, fearlessly and without hesitation.
It’s hard and heavy, but it’s Monday morning and the start of a new day that’ll surely be boring and a challenge so, I’m just trying to hold onto these thoughts before they are clouded by negativity as the days pass.
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