Yesterday I learned of a young man only 1 year older than me who committed suicide after a posting a couple of videos apologizing to his social media followers for the irreversible damage he had done. I knew nothing of this person before, only that he was a relatively big name in the online game streaming community and pretty successful at it. Every now and then, a suicide is made apparent in the media and suddenly everything feels real. Celebrity or not, this happens every single day, at any age, all over the world. It sends a chill down my spine.
I thought about this as I made my way to work this morning. I should have walked it, but I got carried away messaging Matt so I got the tube instead. Sometimes I can really be in the mood to be among people on public transport and today was one of those days. I made an effort to try and hold my head up and I looked straight ahead of me at a poster on the other side of the platform. Weighing up my thoughts as to what i'm doing here. Why am I still here?
Yesterday I felt really depressed. My body just felt so heavy. 'Nothing bad has happened, and yet it feels like it has' I text my brother as he asks how i'm doing. Tears were close to the surface. I think I must have just got over tired. I still feel blue today. And today has been such a piss-take of a day. Relentless bullshit, everyone being so lazy and not giving a damn. I really want to leave. I feel like I should because I can't imagine many other people putting up with it all.
I've a busy evening ahead sorting out life admin rubbish. Revisiting the old flat to clean it and collect some old stuff belonging to me and my bro in the car. At least when it's done, it'll be done. But it'll be tiring and long. Perhaps if I make an effort to sort it all quickly I'll be able to get back home to eat something properly nourishing, maybe bake some things too as I am so, so broke - he poorest I have ever been.
I just...want to disappear.
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