21.06.19

Thankfully Friday is here but it's a bit unsettled on the office and I feel uncomfortable being here, I just want to be anywhere else.
I feel like I should be glad that it's the weekend and to see the back of this week but it's not like I have a lot to really look forward to right now. I just feel very foolish. This entry is probably going to be as much of a mess as my current state of affairs but, I need to let it out in any other way that's not some sort of breakdown.

I just feel very foolish. I shouldn't have got my hopes up like I did. I wish I was able to control these feelings but they just seem to get out of hand. I care too much and I give far too much. But I doubt i'll ever be able to rein them in because I'll always regret coming away from a situation knowing I hadn't given my all.

Yesterday I felt like such an idiot. But this morning as I was putting on my favourite black dress in effort to try again this evening, I realise things have been reset once more. It is a new day so why not go out there and enjoy it.

Dating shares many similarities to the job market. You've got to put yourself out there to get noticed. You have to work hard putting together a unique CV, you need to put real effort into applications, sometimes you need to make a few at a time. Interviews are good practice, test the water, see what feelings you pick up, sometimes they'll go well and you'll be invited back for a second, other times you might not hear anything again. They might have gone for someone else. Perhaps it might all look great on paper but in person, something might be off about the atmosphere.
You have to make the effort because being headhunted in unlikely....not impossible.
So, yeah, i'm just looking at this like I would when hunting for a job. I know I need one, so, why waste time?

I just don't want to feel numb to it. And in a few ways I fear I am already. Yesterday I had a notification from an app and felt a little sick, like it was just too soon. I think tonight will be my last date for a while. I don't think it will be good for me to bring even more people into the mix. I'm nearly ready to throw in the towel. I really like Andy but I just don't know what he wants and i've a feeling that he might suddenly disappear. He doesn't fill me with confidence, but then again, do I ever feel confident, even after a fantastic date/few dates? I felt that about Josh and now that things are finished he told me he really cared about me, he liked me a lot, he could see us getting serious, he wanted to travel with me.

I'm just hoping that it'll all click into place at some point. Possibly this evening, who even knows? I am absolutely NOT expecting this at all. God knows what I am expecting though. I'm just going to have a good time, go with the flow, see where things lead. So...only as it's on my mind...
He's called Matt. He's 35, works in sales (but studied script writing,) and is divorced. The last point feels significant but without a reason, i'm not thinking anything about it. I'm sure he'll tell me when he's ready to, or if it feels appropriate but I won't be asking. We've comedy in common and i've enjoyed the chat we've had over the past couple of weeks, eventhough it hasn't been substantial, I think it's a good thing. I'm intrigued as to how he'll be in person.
He loves art deco furniture, art coffee table books, quoting The Office and has ambition to be a teacher one day. For me, that feels enough to justify a date and we're meeting at a gallery after work to walk around it until it closes.
My initial thoughts are of excitement of course, but i'm trying to dull them as much as possible because I really don't want to feel like I did on Wednesday evening. He's lovely and tall, he's smiling in every single photo he has, and this morning he said 'I can't wait, i'm looking forward to a fun night with great company.' Just, very nice and polite. I wonder what he's expecting me to be like. Reading back over our correspondence as a sort of 'date prep' I like how we've covered a lot of ground but without reams of words or build up of anticipation. I feel he has the balance just right, being complimentary without being at all creepy/reveal sexual intent and friendly, asking good questions and being considerate. I'm sure there's a catch, I just wonder what it is...
I have a feeling he'll be a little like Chris in his personality and mannerisms, and I hope so because I remember we clicked right away and never lost that spark. He's ambitious and on his profile he was very open about wanting to start a family and settle down.
But, yeah I should probably stop thinking about it now. Just wander up, say hello, see how it goes from there...

I don't want to hold back or be cool about it, I know I should just be myself. I'm sure I will when i'm with him, hopefully he'll make me feel able to. I just want today to hurry up.