What a strange situation I found myself in last night. Sat on my bed, with the tablet just in my line of sight I found myself delaying the taking of it. I was going from one thought to another, from being ‘it’ll be fine, I could do it alone,’ to ‘you’ve still got time, why are you suddenly in a rush?’
It was actually the messages of a future date (tomorrow evening,) that swayed my decision.
‘Okay to just to let you know…I’ve screenshotted your last messages and sent them to two people. One to my best friend, who will be checking up on me on Wed just to make sure I’m safe and not being set up, and the other to my mate Craig, the boxing journalist who got me tickets to the premiere of Journeyman at Glasgow film festival. He responded ‘if you need money for a ring or anything, let me know.’
I smiled fondly and felt my body grow hot and tingly as I felt a true connection. It caught me off guard, I realise it was a feeling I haven’t truly felt with anyone for years. I mean, this was sinking in deeper to my bones, this wasn’t just a handsome guy who wanted to go on a date. This was someone who was asking thoughtful questions, he was genuinely curious about me and a very interesting individual himself. I couldn’t even stop to worry about it, I just allowed the feeling to take me over.
Sure, we could meet tomorrow and feel nothing at all. He might be too arrogant, forward, or loud. He might find me too timid and boring. But right now, I don’t care. I feel a glow of hope and I’m smiling about it. I feel like finally, we've an organic foundation of similarities, one that isn’t built on mindless back and forth or my overwhelming positivity tainting the reality that is – the person being so wrong for me.
I’m going to go in with an open mind of course, but I’m excited.
‘Not like this. We can do better than this,’ I say to myself, and I took the tablet, turned out the light and went to sleep.
My body feels heavy and I generally feel sluggish, sitting in this office now I do feel a sting of 'oh, it would have been exciting wouldn't it,' but that's not the right reason at all. It's because this place is so dang boring, it would be a ticket out. But it wouldn't be temporary, it would be something that would change my life forever. Am I ready to say 'forever' yet? When everything in my life feels such a mess?
There will be another time, I pray, I hope, I trust.
No comments:
Post a Comment