17.06.19

I'm pretty sure i'm pregnant.

I know it's only been a matter of hours, it's probably not at all possible. I'm probably just so tired from all the fun, travelling, thinking, entertaining etc. But, something just feels off within me and, timing wise it would all make sense. I was in such a rush over the weekend and with my family, I wasn't able to get any EC, but as soon as I got home yesterday
I ordered a ridiculously expensive pill to take when I get home. It should be fine. I've taken it many times in my life successfully and without side effects.

This is probably fucked up. But.
My mind is whirling around a mile a minuet, just...thinking about all potential outcomes. I know that I shouldn't, I should only be considering one thing to do next. Take the tablet and move on with my life. I mean, I shouldn't even be stirring up my anxieties, it's just my imagination at this point, dreaming up these ludicrous situations.
Do I want to be? Really? Is this what I really want right now?

I feel right back to where I was 3 years ago. I couldn't deny the feeling. I knew it, and I was. I thought I did what was best at the time and I did, I know that I did. But of course every now and then I think 'they'd be two years old now,' and it stings a little to remind myself of it all. It was a complete blur.
To be honest, i'm not sure that I want to put myself through all of that again... but I know this is, just a massive, enormous deal. Possibly one of the biggest things to face, and here I am, a second time. But this is worse, because we've been on two dates. Nice dates, but, I mean, we don't really know each other.

I saw him standing outside the station, leaning against the wall basking in the sunshine, looking relaxed and so cool. We hugged and ambled towards the restaurant, talking the whole time. It was so nice to see him. We shared a few cocktails, had some dinner and went to see the movie together. His arm slid over into my lap and I held his hand the entire time, it was so sweet. He reminds me a lot of Stev actually, in his mannerisms, his build, his nature. Very gentle and kind, softly spoken, relaxed. Difficult to read, though.
From the little I know about him I think he's pretty introverted. He enjoys looking after himself, eating healthy, exercising (it shows,) and spending time out and about. On our first date, he talked about how he was moving out of his studio flat to shared accommodation, which I personally find an odd move. Perhaps the result of a break up, and wanted to be away from the negative memories and among the company of others again? Of course, I didn't ask. It sounds as though he'll stay there until his tenancy is up now but who knows.

I avoid asking him too much in the hope that he might share more over time. The way he behaves intimately suggests he's slow to let me people in. Perhaps he's not dated much in the past, or maybe he's been hurt before. I make it my duty to make him feel adored.
Saturday morning I asked if he'd ever been a model, he smiled and said no, looked away. I said that he could, that I felt he was beautiful. He remarked that his self-confidence was so low, and it just made my heart sink a little. I know he's been through some sad times.
Of course I know I mustn't try and figure him out, I mean everyone has a past and I respect that. I suppose his mysteriousness adds to my fear that he might disappear one day. I know the app we met on said he was ready for something new and that he wanted children one day. But peoples minds can change. He could be playing the field, could be going on all manner of dates, he might just be using me for a good time. Who knows.

The right thing to do here is take the pill, go to sleep, forget about all about it. Not think about what could be. It would be so unfair on him. It would be such an enormous change, for both of us. He probably wouldn't want anything to do with me, perhaps he'd feel tricked. Could I even fathom going it alone? I'd have to move home, I wouldn't be able to keep my job, I wouldn't be able to afford living where I do now, as I do now. I'd have to move home. Is that the way I'd really want to go about doing something like that?

I know that pill will prevent it all. So why am I even questioning it?