I keep flitting from one thought to another. I'm making myself feel dizzy and nauseous from worrying and overthinking. I suppose this is one i'm allowed to turn over time and time again, it's...a very big deal. I mean, it's one I don't yet know for sure, but, I have some control this evening as to whether I find myself in that predicament or not.
So, I suppose i'm jumping ahead to if I find a positive test.
It's a thought that fills me with a bit of joy but then 'reality' sets in and quickly I start to feel sick. I want a child very much and I feel at a point emotionally where i'm ready to do this. Financially, not so much. But when will that ever be? I think about how much my life would change. How my family's life would change. How his life would change - or would certainly be different. I automatically assumed that I'd be doing it alone, that he'd want nothing to do with me. It's a bit extreme to think this but I mean, I know it's not his plan to have a baby with a girl he's known for about a month.
I think about how my life would really change. How his life would be so different to. How this would link us both together for the rest of our days. Is this really the way I want to do this?
No. I want children born out of love.
Sigh.
I guess i'm half enjoying this weird limbo in a way. That everything could change but in a really good way. I get a tiny burst of positiveness and think about how it would bring him and me close together, he'd want to rise to the challenge. He'd forgive me for my messy ways. But of course, it's a long shot. It all is.
I know what the responsible thing to do is...there's a bit of me that would just love to run away and go it all alone. Could you imagine!? God. No. I'll go home, do the right thing, move past this...
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