14.06.19

I sat in the usual heartbreak Itsu down the road yesterday eve, for an overpriced (lazy,) dinner and to finish composing my message to Josh ending...whatever the heck we are. It's always tough, I always hate it, it's not something I'm good at and I manage to turn it into this massive deal where I end up typing far too much, giving far too much. I was just, really struggling to find a real reason. But I knew that how I was going about things is wrong, continuing to date other people while not telling him isn't fair. I mean sure, we didn't talk about it but I could have brought it up when the thoughts crossed my mind.
I know it's not entirely my fault, he also didn't bring things up when he could have done, so we both just went along assuming everything was fine. I hit send, felt sick, went home. He sent me a really nice reply in return which made my stomach drop, because they were beautiful words and I realised I may have one chance to save it - and of course, that's when the carefree side of my mind kicks in all 'just go for it, he's sweet, he wants you, why not?' but I've been feeling this for a while. I can't put my finger on how we don't quite connect. I just know that...something is off. He said lovely things about how I brought joy to his life, how the times we spent together were special and unique to him, how I did fit into his life and was open to taking things further if that's what I wanted. He called me and we ended up talking for an hour, probably the most open and honest either of us have been with each other and I learned a lot. He said he didn't know what to say or do next, but he didn't want things to end and he felt if we could work through this, we would probably come out the other side even stronger. I sort of agreed and said that we should maybe think about it over the next couple of days. When I woke up this morning I didn't feel any sickness, I felt as though I had done the right thing.
I will give it some thought over this weekend, it'll be good to talk to my brother about it as we drive home for Father's Day. But I think I need to stand firm with my decision because I can't keep going ahead and making new date arrangements and keep stringing Josh along. Urgh, that's just...unacceptable.

Me and Andy are off to the cinema this evening, i'm really looking forward to seeing him again. I'm nervous too, because i'm not sure how i'm going to feel when I see him, as i've been putting him to the back of my mind. Almost as a preemptive measure, before he does it to me. It'll be interesting to see if there's a connection, or if I'm perhaps forcing it, who knows. But, i'm going to enjoy it as much as possible.

Of course, there's someone new that's also keeping my mind occupied. We're arranging a date exactly one week away, which i'm already looking forward to. He loves comedy, we've already shared quotes from our favourite series, covered a lot of ground in our conversations. He seems grounded, mature and possibly, knows what he's looking for. He's 35 and divorced. So, i'm curious as to what the story is there but there's no judgement. Of course this is likely with slightly older men. I worry if there will be too much baggage but hey, i'm sure all will become clear.

I mean, I definitely still feel pretty...exhausted by all of this. I know I need a break away, I know it. But I just hate time on my own. I don't know how to be on my own. And this is the way i've always done it, I keep going and going until I find that special someone. And I know that they're out there, and I don't want to give up on finding them. Perhaps i've already met him, who even knows. But i'm just trying to keep my head up.
I've got to try.

I mean, there will come a day when all of this will be over, won't there? There will be a time when I read this back as a happily married woman with bubbly children swarming my personal space...I can only dream.