12.06.19

I'm struggling today.

I don't mean for this to turn into a compilation of dating anecdotes but, it just feels relentless. I just don't think I have enough hope left in me to keep going. I can't keep putting myself through this. I know that I must, I know that in order to move forward with my life and settle into a proper, real relationship then I have to put myself out there...but I just...i'm loosing the will to live.
I mean, it's so dramatic but it's so true. It hurts when I learn the people i'm having interesting conversations with, and have what I believe to be, a certain amount of potential, turn out to be mental-health ridden, or 'I don't know what I want' or 'I'm still hurting from a past relationship' - still wanting to meet of course, sure. But they expect me to be fine with it.

I just want someone...in a similar place to me, to be honest. That's it. Someone who's looking for me.
Perhaps they're not hiding in the world of dating apps?

Out of everyone, my heart elevates when I see a message from Andy. Not only is he beautiful, but he's so sweet and he (appears,) to genuinely care. He's very busy with his work, but he always seems to find the time to send me a message later in the eve and when he does, he takes the time. It all seems very positive, so why...why am I so hesitent to get excited about him?
It's because...he seems too good to be true. He's lovely! He's handsome, he's funny, he's caring, he has great music taste, he's smiley, positive, charming, patient...and i'm just waiting for him to fall silent on me. Or unleash some intense, heavy baggage, perhaps he's got a dark secret.
I know thinking this way is utterly pointless. Assuming all of the above is only going to spoil it for me. I need to view any interaction I have with him, any time that we spend together, as a joy. A joy that i'm even having that time, with him. He's sending me those messages because he wants to. He was on the app to find someone. He stayed the night because he wanted to. He's agreed to meet with me again because...he wants to! Not because he feels bad or awkward or, like he has to. Like the first date we went on, and he spent the night, sure it was reckless but it was fun, and we both enjoyed ourselves and that's something to be savored. So what it seems to be moving a little slowly, surely that's a good sign?

We've arranged to meet on Friday evening for a second date, we're going to the cinema and perhaps some dinner and drinks beforehand. I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully he'll want to stay again...
I suppose after finding out that I was his first date from the app, made me feel a little nervous. Perhaps he's just entertaining me while he waits for something better to come along. Who knows. I've no doubt he must get hundreds of messages and matches...

But hey, I don't know that. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's not even interested.
Who knows.

Perhaps I should be more choosy. The date I went on last night was...disheartening. Telling me he and his ex are still a bit of a thing, how he's got ADHD and ADD, how he was once a 'raver' dabbling in drink, drugs, smoking...yet we shared a lot of interests and I did enjoy his company. I would like to see him again, for curiosity, but I know I mustn't, for he is dangerous. He could mess me around, or, he could get totally tangled up in my life and suffocate me and weigh me down. I should quit while i'm ahead on that one. I don't want to hold anyone's hand, yeah I know i'm cool and understanding but I don't want to try and convince anyone. Without wanting to sound pompous or big headed, what gives him the right...
And then Luke, with his cute little houseboat, amazing body and dick pics and porn videos. Why on earth am I even entertaining such a person? I know we'd have an amazing time together, and I am tempted but...i'm not looking for just sex. And after the sexually charged conversations subside, he's moaning about his depression and how he misses an old friend with benefits and I'm comforting but...I know it's an enormous red flag. So, I should shut that down too.

There's just, so many names swimming around, my phone keeps lighting up, I'm drowning. I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want someone to come and save me. Sweep me up from all this bullshit and...save me.

Tonight is going to be a night for just me...maybe watch a gut-wrenchingly sad film and cry my heart out.
I'm sure I just need to get some proper sleep. Everything is always better after some serious sleep.