07.06.19

It's been an interesting couple of days. Been feeling very disconnected.
Very numb.
I've been wanting to type for days but now I've a moment to pause and just allow my fingers to tap on the keys, I can't seem to draw anything conclusive. Just...'blaah.'
I suppose this is the danger with having so many conversations behind the apps, it leaves one feeling frazzled after a time. I start to feel increasingly negative with every new person I meet. When someone new and promising enters the scene, I find a mental barrier raise, gradually blocking current individuals from view. It's the way i've always done it though, it's my only real choice. I should take a break but I find myself going back for more. I don't want to give up on it. I don't want to give up on finding love, as ridiculously cheesy as that sounds.

Me and Chris met up and essentially had a lovely evening but parted ways in our usual fashion of tears and awkward hugs. An innocent question brought up heavy discussion, and it threw me off. It's like all the laughter, how natural it feels simply to be around each other brings up the inevitable. He said how he felt he couldn't commit to anything new and for some reason it stung me. I know we're not meant to be together, I know that - it's been over a year and I haven't wanted to get back with him, but it's during the times where I feel lost and at a dead end, his warmth attracts me to the fond memories of our past. I suppose it was the kick I needed, we're not going back down that road again, so why do we keep putting ourselves through it? I'm going to give 'us' some distance.

I've been really very tempted to cancel the weekend plans with Josh, i'm tiring of his selfishness. I know he doesn't mean for it to come across the way it does, but, even so. I shouldn't be 'putting up with shit' at this stage. Not to mention, I can't afford it. I feel I have to commit to the gig I booked tickets for a month or two ago, originally excited for him to join me, now...I wish I wasn't. I know if I told my bro he'd say 'bail out now! You don't owe him anything!' and it's true, of course. I think this will be the last weekend and then I'll call it a day.
Perhaps I'll meet someone new on Sunday, someone new i've been talking to who seems interesting and rather like me...I know, I shouldn't, I should just...leave it. Do I really feel a month off would be so bad? That i'd loose the opportunity to meet the love of my life, during that small window of time? I mean, if a friend of mine confided the same fear in me, I'd laugh and say how utterly ridiculous it sounded. A year off wouldn't do much harm i'm sure. I just hate the idea of wasting time...