What a mess I've become. I haven't been taking care of myself at all. I've been running myself into the ground, drinking too much, eating nutritionless food, promising too many people too many things, I'm burnt out, broke and alone.
I went on a date last night and we had a nice evening. Beautifully attractive, almost too much so, softly spoken, kind, curious, lovely smile. We had a couple of drinks, walked by the canal and sat talking until it got dark and everything was starting to close. I invited him back to mine, though i'm not sure why, I was just 'living in the moment' I suppose and it was nice. I don't regret it, but it was pretty reckless of me as I tested how it made me feel and...ultimately, it didn't make me feel great.
He reminded me a lot of Phil in many ways; clearly spent a lot of time sculpting an immaculate body, enjoyed eating right, taking care of ones self but deeply insecure. He was lovely, said he wanted to meet again but I doubt we will somehow.
I'm sinking. This situation i've created for myself is all my doing, how on earth do I think adding more people to the list is going to help things? It isn't. I'm giving myself new distractions but i'm being terribly unfair, these people deserve better. I'm not in the right place, I know me and I know that I can't spread myself too thin. I need to commit to one person and just see where it goes. If it doesn't work out? Well, call it a day, have a pause, then find something new. Not all at the same time it's just...playing havoc with my mental health. I don't want to spoil an opportunity that could be amazing, or put myself in danger again. I just need to give myself some peace and some space.
Hopefully this week will be a nice, normal week where I can catch up and reflect on things.
I've deleted the apps....
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