I feel as though i'm in a daze, but not the rosy glow kind. No, this is a 'I just don't want to be here anymore' sort of blur where I just find myself feeling numb.
I suppose it's just exhaustion. Emotional Wednesday following by a long, frustrating drive, interrupted sleep then threw myself into a new first date, I shouldn't have gone. It was fun, I had a nice time and everything but really I should have took the day for me, to let everything sink in and reflect upon it all. Not indulge in alcohol and rich food. I don't know if I'll see Adam again, he was such a gentleman and I enjoyed learning about him and his life so far in London after coming from Poland. I like Polish people a lot and I find they have a great sense of humor if not a lil deadpan, so I found myself laughing a lot. He was attractive and I could have easily have invited him up to my place, which he walked me to, but this morning i'm glad that I didn't.
I'm nervous for the weekend, a friends wedding which me and Josh are attending. I just...really don't know what i'm doing with him. Something about it doesn't feel right, and yet I still find myself giving him chances to prove to me that we could have something good going on. But it's the times we're apart I think about it more and how generally uncomfortable the whole situation makes me. It's not so much the fact that he's ties he still has with his ex, he's very open about their conversations, I don't feel like he wants to get back with her or anything. I think it's just me skipping ahead, to when everything's been finalized between him and her, and he's 'on his own.' Will he have a mini freak out? I just don't pick up on any vibes that make me feel comforted. Granted, I haven't asked, but I don't want to. I'm not ready for any big talk because I don't know what I want from him. It should be something that's felt, that gradually builds up over time but so far, i'm not sure i'm feeling it. He's so self obsessed with his travel plans, his obsession with saving money, his cycling, all this shit that I don't contribute to in any way...it just makes me feel very able to lift myself out at any point. And right now, I want to. It would save me a lot of time.
I might be wrong, he might be happy with how things are going with us. But he's so immature with all this dating/relationship stuff I just can't read him. I know he has a good time with me, and this in turn makes me enjoy the time we're together because it gives me pleasure making anyone feel good. I know that it'll get to a point though where i'll want something tangible and he won't be in that place, or won't be able to decide what he wants. I can only assume that after 12 years, a flat, a joint account etc, he's not going to want to steam into something else. But his long, long messages every day, the way we're so intimate around each other when we're together, tells me the opposite. I know some people are able to hop into something new, especially when many of those years of the previous relationship felt wrong. I surprise myself by continuing the go on dates, I mean, that's a big sign to myself. I mean, I'm frustrated that I am because it's adding more stress into my life - more time spent searching, messaging, meeting, the anticipation, build up, let down...it's too much. But I know i'm just searching for that someone who'll make it easy for me to see clearly. I know that they're out there and I know that it's a feeling I still have within me because i'm felt it before. I'm never going to lose hope in that. And last night, Adam didn't make me feel this but it didn't make me miss Josh. I hope that someone I had some really great back and forth with hasn't completely disappeared - it was actually me that went cold on him (god knows why, just couldn't keep up with everything,) and yet he still sent me another lovely message yesterday. I gave my reasoning for this, which was of course true - I was at a funeral and ended up staying longer than planned, but I know things can fluctuate quickly and he may have already moved on to someone new. I suppose what will be, will be.
It really is stressful, all of this. I mean, I do enjoy it and I know that I could stop at any moment but I'm just determined to find that someone. And it's fun meeting up, being entertaining and being entertained. But there's so many let-downs, so many.
Before the funeral I was so tired. Me and J had a bit of back and forth but something over the weekend just made me feel odd. I guess it was fun but at the same time, I came away feeling puzzled. Perhaps it's just his way with words? I don't know. We biked to work on the Monday morning his 'we'll see' comment to my 'perhaps we could meet during the week' (just my devotion to trying I guess,) left me feeling weird. I sent him a polite 'hope you made it to work okay' and some other waffle to pad it out a bit, I said i'd send something bigger later during the day but when the time came, I couldn't be fucked. Especially when he'd made no effort with me. Actually - that's it! He never makes any effort with me! Hardly pays for things, it's always coming to mine, it's always me cooking or doing things, coming up with ideas of where to go etc...so, yeah, I thought 'stuff you, i'm going to bed' and woke up to nothing. So for an hour or two, I felt almost relieved that he hadn't contacted me, that perhaps that was it. But no, an hour later he was asking how I was and how he was expecting a big message, why wasn't there one kinda vibe and then of course I felt tremendously guilty. I sent him many words in return but made sure to include 'no pressure about Sunday' (the wedding,) because I can't help but think that he doesn't actually want to go and I don't actually want him to come with me. But when he replied saying that he was excited about it, and offering to pay half the hotel, I found myself back on side again.
God, it's just...too much, whatever the hell this is, it's too much. I don't want to have the 'defining' chat, it's too soon anyway but why am I continuing to invest in something I don't really want to? Am I just waiting for that moment, of it all falling into place?
Of course all that being said, he's coming over this evening. Of course in my heart I know that we're more than just sex but...I think I just need to sleep. For several years.
I'm just petrified of this being my life now. Constant worry and fear - fear of being alone, fear of never settling down, fear of never having a family, fear that I'll always live with regret. I know there's a part of me who knows this isn't true and all will be well, and fall into place as it should. This is just a part of the process...but, I really need some good news...
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