21.05.19

What a mess I am mentally. My body aches but i'm not sure why. Surely it can't ache from all the messaging.
I think it must be anticipation and excitement, to quickly learn that these people are...idiots. I'm never going to find anyone.

I think I'm starting to phase Josh out. We had a nice time together on Sunday but i've got to be honest with myself and admit that as cute as this guy is, I'm just not feeling it. I'm spending loads of money where he's tight (and proud of this,) he's so self-obsessed, talking only about himself, his work, cycling, upcoming trip to India (for work.) He doesn't really listen to me. It's just me bigging him up the entire time. Granted, he needs it to an extent, but even so, it's exhausting. I like that we still have fun, but he's inexperienced. I just have no idea what he wants but I doubt it's a relationship.
He's meant to be accompanying me to a wedding on Sunday but, i'm not sure I can be arsed/afford it. Isn't that a terrible truth? I was so keen on him, I mean, I still am but...i'm just fed up. I don't want it to always be me chasing. I'm fighting for something that isn't really there.
So, I messaged him in the morning after we parted ways for work and said how i'd had a nice time, and that i'd send him a nice long installment to read later on but I didn't, as I hadn't heard anything from him. Then this morning he messaged to say how he was expecting it and acted a lil disappointed that he hadn't. So then I felt bad and wrote him something long and detailed. But, I'm not sure why. I've got this anxious knot in my stomach, it's like now the ball is in his court I feel anxious about waiting, but when it's me to write to him, I feel anxious still. I mean, I'm sure that can't just be down to dating expectations? But how he makes me feel...I mean, he is a little strange. It's endearing though, I always seem to make this mistake. Confuse weir with endearing.

I just want someone normal, who wants to laugh and can hold a good conversation....

Ah well, what's got me through all the previous times? Hope. I can always count on that.

Granny's funeral tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. Driving down this evening, hoping for the best.
I just want to sleep for a thousand years...