Yes, I think it's just best that I try and enjoy the moment, while i'm here, on this planet...I might as well. I'm not going to think about what we are, what we'll be, what we should be doing, conversations that we should be having...i'm just going to try and just...live it. Time will surely tell how things should be. If I steam in questioning everything now I risk losing what we could be. We're both having a nice time, let's just wait and see.
I'm saying this now, probably because i'm still buzzing from a night (and morning,) of passion and kink. It was incredible, possibly one of the best nights of my life. I still feel as though i'm in a daze, perhaps none of it even happened at all.
We really seemed to click, as soon as he arrived at my door everything felt natural, he belonged there with me and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of safety and gratitude. I cooked us some dinner, he prepared drinks, we talked about our days and laughed at silly stories. Conversation flowed easily, we shared in many intimate moments cuddling, touching, kissing, just acting as we liked without any pressure. We certainly act like a couple, it's at these times I'm not at all doubtful about us at all, like puzzle pieces, we just slotted together perfectly. I started to wonder if the moments I watched him pondering or thinking, his mind wasn't actually occupied by things I feared. Perhaps he was thinking about normal, ordinary things. Of course, even if he is, I'll never know - I shouldn't know and at this stage, I don't really want to know. But we continued sipping our drinks and before I knew it the evening was a blur as we became undone. Every time it just gets better and better.
I know I said it a lot when I was with Phil, it's still a way of self-preservation, damage control or whatever - but, I really am just going to make the most of every time we are together. If it disappears, well, i'll be sad that it's gone for a time but I will always have these amazing memories of the times where we were together, discovering each other, sharing laughter and a true sense of passion - nobody can take those away from me. And I hope they'll be additional freeze-frames to my gallery of favourite memories of my life in this body, as my soul leaves me and I watch it all back again fondly. Although I have no idea how long this will last, perhaps another month or two, perhaps several years - maybe we'll be together for the rest of time, either way, he'll take pride of place there.
Fortunately, I didn't have to explain the bruises on my skin, he didn't notice them. I messaged my brother asking for advise regarding Josh and my discoveries of his previous relationship and dropped in that I'd been on another, disappointing date and when I told him why, he asked me to call him immediately and said he was worried. 'What he did you was illegal. He had absolutely no right to treat your body that way' he said concerned. 'You should go to the police' he advised sternly. When I walked home from the date, part of me did feel that something wasn't right about how things went down. John seemed to be a familiar, friendly sort, I thought we'd have a friendly chat, perhaps a few laughs, maybe even a kiss but that would be all. What transpired was a lot of drinking, no food (and rejecting my efforts to get some when it was getting late,) groping and biting, forcing my hand places I didn't want it to go, his hands on parts of me I didn't want them to be. Being in such a public place I thought I'd feel safe and protected but I couldn't be more wrong. He got away with it. I let him. I thought it was all my fault, he was drunk, I did kiss him back originally. But when I told him to stop, he would initially but then before I know it, he'd go back to doing it again. He kept talking about sex, how he couldn't wait to dominate me, graphic details about what he was going to do...
Perhaps it was sexual assault. How do I know? I do feel ashamed, which is why I won't ever tell anyone about it. I was probably asking for it, I didn't get up and leave when I probably could have done. I suppose it's just a lesson learned. It does sting because I feel like my judgement was totally wrong. Clearly he only wanted one thing, i'm so relieved I didn't give in - that could well have been very dangerous. For a lot of yesterday I did turn a lot over in my mind. I thought about how wrong it was that I even went. I really like Josh a lot, even though I am doubtful, I shouldn't put myself in that position. If the tables were turned and I learned that he'd been on a date, i'd be upset.
So, it's Friday today and i've got to get through this day. I'm meeting my brother later, we're going to get some food and will play some games, I'll tell him more about how I feel about things, he's always good at getting me back on the straight and narrow. ('I think it's good that he was upfront about this? I mean he wouldn't if you were just a fling right? I don't agree necessarily that you're a rebound, if he doesn't make you feel it? That's probably just cause he likes you! Also I think it's possible to know in retrospect after a relationship has ended that it should have ended sooner and it's for the best that it did, which sounds like this is the case?' )
Just got to see how things play out. One things certain. I'm going to have a lovely lie in tomorrow morning...
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