A familiar name appeared on my screen, and when I looked at his pictures, he looked familiar too. He'd mentioned that he's pretty confident that we went to school together and used to exchange messages on MySpace - a word I haven't seen for a long time. It all came back to me, the times I admired him from across the common room, finding him intriguing and cute. He used to hang around with a very charismatic, popular guy who everyone seemed to know and he was always quiet and perhaps a lil shy in comparison. I always thought he looked cool, but I just never knew how to approach him. He was friends with people who I was always a little intimidated by. So I just, never pursued. He's super cute...so now, I've got the classic combination of I've anxiety mixed with excitement thinking back to the past, how now we've matched and have so many questions...I just feel sick, god knows why.
I guess it's breaking the mold, seeing someone on there who I actually know is real and exists, compared to mysterious sorts who could be anywhere in the world.
I think i'm probably just really tired. It's ridiculous how quickly my mind will flit from one person so intensely, then to another in the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think it's a good thing, then other times I'm not sure whether I should be worried about it. It's my minds defense mechanism perhaps, clinging on to something new in case the person it was attaching itself to previously lets me down. It will likely not amount to anything at all. And so what? Just because I may have been in the same room as him a few times, doesn't mean we're going to get along in person...
I went on an interesting date last night. I actually tried to cancel it, but he cleverly asked if I might feel better in the afternoon, as it would be too short notice for the tickets he'd booked for the art gallery. I felt bad so I decided I would 'feel better' - in truth though, I was feeling a little worse for wear, not the best version of myself as I'd have hoped.
But in many ways, i'm glad I went. It was real experience and one i've not really had before. He was a real character too. I saw him waiting at the station entrance in brown shoes, white pressed slacks, pale pink shirt with cufflinks and fitted blazer, finishing off the look with a pair of aviator sunglasses. It's terrible how I felt I already had him pegged as a 'sort' but...I was right. What on earth is a guy like him doing with someone like me? I approached and knew that I just had to ride it out, whatever happened. I know it's wrong to look at it as a chore, but I knew I was totally out of my depth with a financial adviser, privately educated from the city center. He had a real swagger in his walk, held his up high, had a voice like a radio presenter, an irritating enthusiasm for the niche and the opulent.
I followed him around the exhibition intriguingly. I'd already decided that there wouldn't be a connection, so why not just enjoy the afternoon anyway? We talked lots as he lead the way. His voice boomed around the quiet artworks and I saw people's eyes watch him, and then me, to assess what our deal was. Clearly we were mismatched. He checked his watch and said we had somewhere to be. We walked by the river and arrived at a swanky cocktail bar where we had some exclusive drinks. We talked about TV shows and games, he opened up about his life, both his parents had died, he'd changed careers a lot, I was surprised to learn that he must have been through some really tough times in his life. We then went to dinner, sat at the best seats in this well-known, highly sort after sushi restaurant, continued to eat and drink until we went the next bar, where we had martini's crafted before our eyes. It was a good 6 hours being in each others company. I mean, he mostly did the talking but I liked listening to someone I would never normally have the opportunity to sit with and be entertained by. He seemed to be enjoying himself.
It got rather late so we got another taxi to the station where we parted ways. We shared a kiss and it was rather nice, he said I smelled nice, said I was 'really something,' that I was very feminine and lovely but all the while I was just wishing I was in Josh's company instead. I missed the warmth from his beautiful hazel eyes and didn't want to pretend amazement at cigars or helicopters or the taste of his interior designer. I was impressed by his wealth how he proudly stated he was the last breed of real gentleman and that he enjoyed wining and dining. I feel conflicted because there's a part of me who would like to see him again for my curiosity. But, it wouldn't be fair. I couldn't ever see myself with someone like that. He asked me to take my hair down in the last bar as he wanted to see what it looked like, I could see that he took offence when I told him no. I could just imagine him telling me the sorts of things I should be eating, drinking or wearing. But, he had a heart and he was truly looking for a deep connection with someone, wanted a future and a family. I don't doubt that he'll find it. But I want something more than just flash...
So, already the Tom guy I was super stoked by at the start of this entry has started to wane, I just need to get my shit together. I've supposedly got another date tomorrow evening which was arranged a couple of weeks ago, I'm tempted to cancel. I should try and focus one one person, I can't see this being healthy for me. But who knows. I'm trying to be cool about it all, i'm hoping it'll help me feel less and be less intense. I know on paper it's fine, this is all just dating...
I love it but, my god I hate it too. I just want to be past this stage and onto the relationship phase.
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