Typing. It's my only form of therapy a this point in time.

I took the day off work this morning, I don't really remember what came over me, only that when I woke up my head felt foggy and I just couldn't muster the energy to try and fit in. The last 3 days exhausted me, i'd had enough. So instead got myself relatively together, went out to buy some essentials including some soil and spent some time outside on my balcony getting it a bit more in order.
It was nice to do something different, yet still a little creative. I felt a little bit more in tune with nature, even if was only brief. I also felt a little connection to my mother's side of the family who are all strong gardening types. I enjoy being in pleasant outdoor spaces so I'm going to task myself to make the small space I have, a nice place to be.

I still feel tired from Wednesday's antics, which I enjoy remembering. We've exchanged some very nice messages since then and I hope they continue. If there's been a long delay do I completely forget rational train of thought? Oh yes, of course. Do I assume he's gone off me altogether? Certainly. But at least when I start to think ridiculous thoughts like that I know it's time to physically do something different; go and read, cook something, have a shower, anything to help take my mind off it. This happens to me every, single time. I have a lovely time with someone and I latch on like there's no tomorrow. It's not fair on the other person, plus it's not fair on me to jump in so heavily into something that's only just beginning. This is the bit to enjoy and savor. Because time flies by and hell, there's certainly enough sad things going on to sap the joy away. I just need to keep telling myself;

Don't worry. What will be, will be. You're doing the best that you can. Enjoy the now.

It's hard to listen to of course. Especially when i'm tired. And right now, my soul feels like it's hurting.

It's hurting for my mum, who must be hurting too. We spoke on the phone last night which was nice. We managed to have a couple of laughs, which was really good to hear. But her way of delivering heavy information is often scattergun in it's approach, with no filter and no warning. A long story unfolds which goes on to say that my Aunt is in hospital again. Not only is she drinking too much, but her liver is full of morphine. A prescription from a year or two ago for back pain has apparently got out of hand. It makes me sad that it appears that mums reaction to all of this is one of bluntness and anger, but I do understand. Na is a responsibility now and there's enough on her plate. She went on to say that my uncle advised that they consider hospice care. For some reason, this hit me hard. That is very real.
For granny, it was sudden. There wasn't much, if any build up. Whereas for Na, this has been going on for years but she always springs back, if not a little slower in the past couple of years. As soon as she comes out of hospital, that's it, she's abusing again. It's so very sad.


Tomorrow we'll drive back home to spend some hopefully pleasant time with mum and do 'normal' things. I'll drive back again on Sunday afternoon.
I'm sort of looking forward to it, but i'm also a little scared of more bad news to come.