Tears, sickness, anxiety

I feel sick to my stomach. I feel very anxious. I'm back at work, around people again and it makes me feel both comforted and frightened. Being back somewhere so familiar and normal is throwing me off balance. My desk is littered with note cards and his hand-writing, I don't want to take them down or hide them away but I know that I must.

I got up this morning early, went about my morning routine making a point to put the radio on. Music stings of course, i've been avoiding it recently. But I press on through it. I walk to work, try and take in my surroundings and ignore all the couples holding hands and families skipping to school. The sun is shining at least. I get to work early, so I stop and buy a coffee first to kill time and look over some message exchanges from the dating app. It makes me feel both excited and upset. Things still feel too raw. I'm worried about starting this process all over again but know that I have to embrace it as much as possible. I need to start again, I need to move on. I can't keep myself hoping that Mike will change his mind because I doubt he will - and anyway, is that what I even want?
I feel conflicted because, I want us both to follow our hearts. I am just so fond of him, I don't care if on paper we're not a very good match. But I know this is FOOLISH. I know it's the reason why we spent a lot of time in uncomfortable moments. It's unexplainable but it's still present, it exists. We shouldn't both settle for something that doesn't make us both feel like ourselves, should we. No, of course not. If a friend was in the same situation I'd tell them that - I'd say 'ultimately it'll make you both unhappy.' So why am I putting myself through this, trying to make myself feel otherwise?
I want him to change his mind and WANT us to get back together so this pain will stop. I just want his body and warmth next to mine as I sleep, I want him there to hold and kiss, want him there to message and be messaged.

Do I think that he will change his mind? No. Because he isn't stupid. He is a logical thinker, he sees the issues as clearly as I do.

Thus - I need to move on. There is absolutely nothing I can do to try and change his mind. Sitting here fretting, worrying, crying, won't do anything. I just need to work through it, like I have done many times in the past. I suppose our situation here is unique, I haven't ended things so soon into a relationship because of compatibility issues...which feels strange. I feel fear ending something before it properly begun, which seems to hold such promise, so close to what I really want.

I'm still in the phase of blaming myself for everything.

I'm going to try and make myself busy today and then I'll go and meet my brother at his place, i'll then try and walk home to tire myself so much that I crash asleep...I don't know. Perhaps these hormones are still playing a part.

This sort of thing is happening every day, all over the world.
It hurts so much now. I feel so numb. But I know...it will get better. That's what everyone keeps telling me.

On a lighter note, I've arranged to see Harry tomorrow after work for a drink, which should be nice. I don't have to do anything, i'm just seeing how the whole thing makes me feel. I think on Friday i've agreed to meet a chap called Ollie for a drink, who seems friendly, chatty and interesting. It'll be a day date thing too, he asked right off the bat if I was after a relationship or mates which I thought was a bold but good question. I think he's had bad experiences in the past perhaps. I said I was looking for someone but if I make friends along the way, it would be no bad thing. He liked this answer and we've been having polite exchanges ever since. He said I seemed very nice and honest and that's what he's looking for in a date so...we'll see. Perhaps it won't even happen. It's a nice distraction anyway.

I really, really, truly, hate this bit. Even when the nearest, dearest people in my life; my dad, my brother, my best friend even my mother to some degree ALL say that they think this is the right thing...even my gut tells me too...why, why cannot I not stop crying?