Riding the waves

I think I'm starting...to get there. Slowly, slowly, baby steps.

This morning I laid in bed before the alarm sounded, thinking about how wonderfully peaceful it was outside before I was interrupted by a pang of anxiety/sadness in my stomach. I'm trying to decipher if it's the missing Mike or if I'm missing a certainty. Of course I miss Mike terribly and if he called to say that we were making a mistake I would most likely be relieved. But annoyingly I think I know that wouldn't be a good idea. That's not going to happen though of course.
The mornings are the worst. I am able to escape everything in my dreams and as I come to I suddenly remember where I am. My once normal routine isn't the same as it was and I again feel in an upset state of restlessness and unease. I turned on the radio, got as ready as I could be, and walked out the door.
To think it's been over a week feels odd. It feels only yesterday we ended things.
I arrived early and went to a coffee shop to sit and listen to some music. It was lovely. A track I once loved came on and it really made me smile. I'd missed that feeling. I replied to a message from a guy called Ricardo who's actually in the same town where I grew up at home. He seems incredibly interesting and we exchanged a playlist each and I was enjoying his selection. I do wonder if this messaging others is a good idea but it helps to keep me distracted and, it gives me a little bit of hope. But who knows, someone who comes across very well over message can be strange in real life. A person can disappear as quickly as they appeared. People can surprise you. It's all rather surreal when you think about it. But yes, who knows. Maybe Ricardo will disappear too...

The way I feel now feels familiar. I can recall previous times where I was in the phase, whereas when I was in the constantly crying mode I must have just wiped similar times from my memories entirely. I know that in a couple of weeks I'll start to feel much more myself, who knows, I might even go on a date or two. I am looking forward to being there, I wish I could just skip ahead. The challenge now is managing time. It just feels endless. All I want to do is 'all the stuff' and sleep. I don't want time to even think. It was nice to be at my brother's place yesterday and I think I might go back there again. Harry and I plan to meet tomorrow, maybe even Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, but I also feel nervous that I'll feel the same way I did last time we met. But we'll see, I mean, I don't have to do anything I don't feel like doing. It'll be interesting to see how the whole venture makes me feel. To get dressed up again, put on makeup, do something social. It's good practice, it feels as though it's been a long time. I mustn't dwell, I know I need to pick up the pieces and try and put myself back together again. It's easier said than done though of course. It's just riding those waves.