Panic

Today i've really been struggling. I walked out of my front door and felt the tears brimming to the surface of my eyes. I've felt cold all day, can't seem to raise my head up eventhough the sun is shining as it'll make the water from my eyes drop to the floor for the whole of London to see. I was almost looking forward to the crammed nature of the tube, I wanted the shock to be absorbed from the bodies of strangers around me.
I imagine I experienced what i've heard being described as a panic attack as I got up to street level. I had to stop and hold on to a wall and tried to control my breathing. As the panic eventually subsided, I felt pathetic, standing in one of my favorite dresses on, too much eye-make up in effort to try and raise my mood, not wanting to sob in case it ruined my face. I did anyway. I called my brother, he's coming over this evening. I cancelled my date with Harry...I cannot shift the guilt.

'My aunt is dying,' I sobbed as I collapsed on my colleague. As I said the words it was all suddenly very, very real. Everything.
I've taken a half day today and the rest of the week off. I'm to going home at some point soon and hopefully i'll get to see her.

It's terribly sad, all of it. I feel so incredibly torn about to who I feel more sad for; my aunt, or my mum. The way mum told me about the news, it was so cold, so throw-away in nature. She also revealed that Peter and Yvonne (my aunts deceased husbands parents,) had also died, within a few days of each other. My cousin, who's currently a single parent of two young children, going through divorce was very close to them both. Possibly moreso than her own mother. My mum hated them both and didn't attend the funeral. I can't imagine the stress it must be putting on my cousin, in addition to her own mother falling gravely ill. But mum has fallen out of touch with my cousin over the past few months, over some previous hot headed exchanges about mum's involvement with my aunt, who's health has been in decline for a while. I'm acutely aware that my cousin needs support right now, but we're a small family and mum's the only sane, well member left who isn't me or my brother, who could help.
I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty for feeling angry at my mother and how she's dealt with the entire situation. I feel guilty that my poor aunt and her evident mental health issues have been ignored for most of her adult life. I feel guilty that she's slowly been unraveling before my mums eyes and my mum hasn't felt she's had enough support to step in and help. I don't think my mum has ever showed any real emotion about her own sister, or her family in general. I suppose that's how she's conditioned herself over the years. It's a coping mechanism I suppose. And that in itself is hard to sympathize with. It's all just tumbled down on me.

I had a therapy session yesterday morning, which I feel has added to my emotions being close to the surface. It's something that was arranged a couple of weeks ago, I nearly cancelled it. I had exceedingly low expectations of it, my previous experiences of the place/program from a few years ago were not good. But it was much better than I thought it would be. The therapist asked me questions and allowed for long pauses and time for my responses. He took lots of notes. 'It seems you blame yourself about many things and i'm not surprised that you haven't felt able to share in others what you're going through because of how things were when you were a child.' I thought he'd tack onto one single area i'd mentioned but he hadn't, he seemed to consider it all and understood how I was feeling... I'm now on the waiting list for further session in the next 3 months or so. It's an extensive list, of course. It's a long wait, but it's something, and it's better than having nothing.

I was really looking forward to seeing Harry today, it was my idea, I proposed meeting last week for a drink after work. However, with everything that's been going on, today in particular, I sadly rescheduled it. I know i've hurt his feelings, I feel so guilty for it - I instantly regret it. But...I don't trust myself or how I really feel. This morning, it was another layer of stress on my shoulders. I thought 'get through the day so you can see Harry' but I suddenly worried about how I'd be when I saw him and didn't want to run the risk of leading him on. I'm still hurting. It's too soon.
I dearly feel that we could possibly have something, if I let him in but I want to be the best possible version of myself. I've been such a mess with him, I've just been all over the show. And yet he's only ever been understanding. 'Hey don't worry, of course it's okay. Focus on yourself and family first, we can catch up as you're back up and running xx' it made me cry. I feel lucky, and I don't want to blow it. I dearly hope that he will forgive me and want to meet me again.




I'm going to hide the dating apps and will put them on ice for a while. They are stressing me out.