Losses and gains

I haven't felt like this in a long time. My head is still spinning, limbs heavy, face pasty.
I went out on a date last night and it was really great fun. We met at his work, we chatted in his office drinking wine from the bottle and went to a comedy club where we laughed lots and carried on drinking. The acts were funny, we talked constantly in-between sets and as the night drew to a close I invited him back to my place. It was nice having him in my space, it felt right and we watched comedy and ate pizza naked on the sofa. It was lovely waking up with him this morning too, despite feeling worse for wear. I want to remember the little details as best as I can, the way I tingled when we kissed, the way he smells, his endearing mannerisms. He's sweet, charming and really made me laugh a lot. He was complimentary, even as I awoke groggily next to him, my hair all a mess, haphazardly putting on clothes...I just felt comfortable around him. I think he did with me too, he liked touching me and being next to me as I made coffee.
Of course, all of the above makes me feel nervous. I can't be getting too attached, what if he never wants to see me again?
I'm just going to try and go with the flow as much as possible and not pin my hopes too much on him...don't want to be putting all my eggs in one basket, as they say.

This is going to be a scattered entry. Possibly because my mind is scattered, I can't seem to concentrate on one emotion at the moment.

I suppose I really needed last night. I needed fun, adventure and pleasure. The past few weeks have been tough but the weekend was awful. My granny died suddenly on Easter Sunday and the following days have felt very surreal. I realise it's the first time as an adult I've experienced a death in the family and it's difficult to process. I'm upset and i'm worried for my mum who I know is concerned for and my aunt, who I know was very close to her and is already going through a lot. It's all terribly sad.
On the very afternoon it happened, Mike messaged asking what I thought about giving things another go. I said i'd call when I got back to London but of course that didn't end up happening. I rang him on the Monday evening and it was nice to hear him again but I didn't feel the pang of excitement or regret or, well, anything really. But it was nice and familiar though and it was good to talk to someone about what had been going on. I said everything has been all over the place so perhaps a bit more time is needed. I do stand firm on that, but then again going on dates again is a sign that i'm moving on...

I hope that me and Josh will see each other again some time, that really would be so lovely...he's lovely...I really need to dial it down...