I'm typing to give myself something to do, to fill the void, to try and kill a bit of time.

It's amazing how quickly everything can change. In some ways I look at where I was last month with envy, I'd love to go back to my past self and carry on living that life.

This will get easier, won't it?

I'm just going to keep on typing until I start to feel a bit better, it's a sort of therapy for me I suppose. I've been trying to move on the way I usually do, but I just feel numb to it. The faces scrolling by, the same questions, I'm not sure I'm ready to get excited about something new yet. I don't feel i've closure on things with me and Mike. Knowing that this week is meant to be time for us both to separately think about things just gives me a knot in my stomach. I'm not in control and there's nothing that I can do. Except for thinking, or for doing...and I don't really want to be doing any of those things. All I want to do is sleep. I just want two weeks of sleep.

I'm pretty sure both of our minds will remain the same after some serious contemplation this week, without any contact with each other. I suppose this is where we're both different; he is not afraid to spend time alone or have time alone with his thoughts. I on the other hand, need the company of others, otherwise i'm a complete crying mess with nothing else to do. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, I don't like what my thoughts tell me; that this is all my fault, why is it that I just can't seem to settle down, this was my last shot and I blew it, I'll be alone forever... Time won't really give us a new perspective because it appears to be a personality thing over a circumstantial thing. If we did get back together it would be an amazing couple of weeks of making up and doing lots of things until we realise we need to spend a little less then spend more time indoors and that's when we seem to become a little unstuck. It's undeniable, really. And of course, he has the intelligence to realise this and he'll know that it will be more painful for both of us, to go through all this again could destroy any chance of us being friends down the line. We've both said how we still want to have each other in our lives, when enough time has passed.

I know all of this, and none of this is new. I actually wanted to do this, and I initiated the entire thing, so why on earth do I want to go back on it now? I think it's because I miss him and I do - I always feel like this when we're apart, but I forget the small detail that when we're together, I feel myself dull. It's not his fault at all, we were brought up different, we enjoy different music, different movies, different senses of humor...so, what comes naturally to me is a little lost on him. And it's those things that really mount up. I dare say there's plenty he'd like to say about books and films he's seen, and articles he's read but feels he can't with me. And so yeah, the sex was amazing. But, I'm thinking about the times before we learnt this about ourselves. And it wasn't without it's awkwardness too.

But right now, I don't care - I still want all of the above because I still love him. And to read him say that he loves me too, makes me want to fuck all of this and just carry on regardless - shouldn't love be enough? Why isn't it enough?


My hormones just make me want to well up and cry and any opportunity. Today and yesterday, I dearly hope that tomorrow will be much better. I can't wait for the day where I'll wake up in the morning and I won't feel like this.

Everything reminds me of him, of us. His thoughtful note cards are all around my room, so thoughtful, so full of love. I never want to take them down but I know that I must, in order to try and get used to a life without him.

We weren't even together very long, I don't know why this is making me so sad... I think he was such a massive support to me when I was so unhappy at the last place, he helped give me the strength to move to a new place - he came and saw this place with me, he helped me move in, he was here throughout it all. So to now not have him here being a part of it feels...alien. It doesn't really feel like home.

I traveled back here early this morning, I didn't want to stay too long at dads as I get too comfortable. He also has responsibilities to Sally and grandma meaning he has to leave for a few hours and I didn't want to be on my own again. I'd rather drive and have something to concentrate on, get back to my new reality quicker than I'd like to get back into the swing of things. It sucked. The walk to the flat sucked, it just made me think of all the times we'd walked it together. Not many, of course. Why on earth are my memories so fond and rose-tinted!?

I'm so scared of starting again. I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I'm strong enough to.
My emotions are so close to the surface...I just don't know.

I hope this week will be busy at work, I've just got to try and do as much as I possibly can. Sleep a lot, eat well, try and get a bit of a routine going and try to stay busy in the evenings. I want the weekend to be here as soon as possible so we'll talk as soon as possible and we can get the unpleasantness out of the way; the stuff handover, when should I drop off his stuff, all that sort of thing. I hate that we have it looming over our heads.

I just scrolled through my phone calendar and saw his birthday appear, which is only a few weeks away. I'd planned on booking a holiday somewhere, making him an artwork or something. I just wanted it to be so special for him, make a real fuss over him. There's a bit of me that hopes that we will be together on his day...why, why am I holding on?
It's pathetic really. I really am so pathetic.

I can't think about that now. I'm just recoiling from his last message yesterday, that is all. It was civil and pleasant - we're doing this for the both of us, because we believe that it's the right thing to do. That doesn't mean that it won't hurt any less...I need to feel what I feel and ride it out. It won't be like this for long, I know it.