Good, bad, dangerous

It's very difficult not to get disheartened by a bad date, but it's hard to shift this feeling of disappointment.
I know it's the nature of this game, not everyone is going to be a good match, you're not always going to click. I suppose it didn't help that I today was followed by a very pleasant evening yesterday which was standard and totally by the book, like, a textbook date.
I didn't feel a connection with Daniel right away, I wonder if it were there at all but I was happy to see him when he approached. Tall, slim, awkward but an air of arrogance - so very similiar to Dan who I went to uni with, in many ways. He asked me lots of questions, conversation sort of flowed from them but I wouldn't call it natural. But we laughed lots. He had to catch the last train to his parents, it was nice that he had a 'get out' as it took the pressure off a bit. After an hour or two things clicked a bit better and we shared more about ourselves. He'd been on the dating app for 2 years, he'd seen people but found it hard to make a connection. He shared that he got nervous about them, hated the meeting and the parting of ways on dates. I was surprised when he wanted to kiss me as we waited for my tube train, and when we did it was nice. I did feel butterflies but it was probably shock more than anything. Who knows if we'll meet again, i'm not holding my breath, but it was a nice introduction to what's to come. I came away feeling happy and excited for the future. I enjoyed meeting someone new, sharing drinks, talking about myself, wondering where the evening would lead. I've missed being social.

Today on the otherhand, was completely different. I put myself in a very dangerous situation and it's one that I won't ever do again.
And I sit in the safety of my flat feeling more at home here than I ever have before. I think it's because I was busily getting excited as I got ready and left closing the door in an excited flurry but came home crestfallen. But glad.
Today held such promise, but he was so different to how I would have predicted. His profile seemed to mature, well put together. Our conversations though brief, were pleasant and I was excited to meet him. We met and walked along the canal and found a spot in the sun to sit and we ate some food he'd prepared (though delicious, it was flag number one.) I brought a non alcoholic drink with me because I don't like drinking during the day, especially in the sun but he'd brought gin and kept adding it to the glass we shared from (flag number two.) He played music from his speakers loudly, which was fine, it fitted the vibe of the day, which was beautiful but...I felt uneasy. He was so twitchy, he could not keep still. He jolted when he talked and was up dancing one moment or striding off the next. He was smiley and held strong eye contact but he'd be distracted by other things going on or would suddenly change topic, sometimes he'd talk as if he didn't even hear what I had said (flag number three.) I knew at this point that he was a damaged individual. He had clearly gone through something traumatic and was medicating himself with vapes, cigarettes, drink and drugs (I later learned.) He was a lost soul. He confided in me that he wanted to settle down, he wanted a wife, to have children - all things that should have been nice to hear! But he seems...unhinged.
I should have left at the point we tidied the food away but he wanted to keep walking. He wanted to drop off his bag at his house, just around the corner and I stupidly went in too - I know this was utterly foolish. Suddenly, flashes of Drew came back to me - Ollie was exactly the same! Same behaviors, same unpredictable nature. I arrived in the house to find an older chap decorating the front room, which was covered in clear plastic sheets - much like the scenes in American Psycho. He seemed friendly enough but when I looked around, the house was in a tired state. It transpired that it wasn't his place, he was just crashing there and helping his mate decorate while he sorted out one of his buisness ventures. (Flag number four.) What was only meant to be a couple of weeks, turned into 10 or so more months. He wanted to show me his seedlings that were growing upstairs, I wandered about the old, 5 floored house feeling as though I really didn't belong and didn't ever want to return.

As we walked to the park which was miles away from my home, I made up an excuse to leave. We parted ways positively but I kept my distance. There was a bit of me that felt sad for him. I just hope he meets someone nice who will take care of him, but it can't be me...