Fear

I'm feeling very tired but, a little more at peace than I did before, and although it's a small gain it's a gain all the same. I'm sure it's just yesterday's interactions, it was a fun evening and I felt alive for the first time in a long while. I laughed a lot, and that was nice.
I wish I didn't feel this sense of fear after something so nice. I wish this feeling would last and last. But instead, almost as soon as i'm back on my own again I start to worry and wonder 'oh, he's probably found someone else,' 'he probably didn't have as good a time as he said he did,' 'oh, it'll likely just fizzle out...' I have no idea why I do that. I'm sure this feeling is exacerbated after the sheer amount of changes going on simultaneously. I know every single person on the planet is going through something or another - or they have done before or will do soon. I know there is always someone in a worse off state than yourself. But if I take a hard look at where things are at the moment, well, I suppose it's not surprising that my default mood is generally a state of anxiousness.
Dad's love, my step mum's health is in constant decline, she's gradually disappearing before my dads eyes. My grandma is also in declining health where dad is also acting carer for her too. My aunt's health is in serious decline. My granny just died. My relationship ended. Double rent is on the cards for another 3 months. I mean...I know a lot of these things will get better with time for sure. You can only do your best in any given moment. This is probably the worst time to add dating into the mix. But the truth is, it helps me escape all of that. For at least one night, I can be me. I can share as much or as little of that as I want, and that in a strange way is freeing...but as I've admitted many times before, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It is very difficult for me to separate myself from that other person, especially after being intimate. I know that should be a sure sign to hold off until I've a better idea the other person won't just disappear. Thing is though, I don't really know where it comes from because it's not like i've had a spate of fellas who I really like who suddenly just ghost me, without a trace. I suppose i'm just petrified of it happening.
I suppose I think Josh is too good for me. He's too cute, handsome, funny, interesting and accomplished to find me attractive, let alone think about a future with me. I that's horrible to assume, of him and me. It's such early days, there is no way of knowing for sure. That's the case with every single person who comes into my life. I suppose i've just got to have faith in...him. In whoever I meet. Keep hoping. Keep...loving, as lame as it sounds....?