As the afternoon draws in, I start to feel a little bit of the anxiety subside. It seems to be the mornings where it gets to me the most. Can't eat, can't keep still, can't seem to focus on anything.
I suppose it's what comes with letting someone new into my life. Doing this is also letting go of others, and today I'm wondering if I'm fully ready to do that. Mike and me are still due a talk, i've still got lots of his things that I need to give back. I can't believe how hypercritical it is of me to think about Josh's potential baggage whilst having plenty of my own. I'm sure he has questions he wants to ask, but he's respecting the getting to know each other stage. It is important, of course, but it isn't to be rushed. It's also a time where neither are committing much, so if it transpires something doesn't work, it's okay. It's far better now than later down the line.
I just want to find a place where I can feel settled. Emotionally and physically, in my love life and my actual life. I know that everything will be okay in the end but why do I struggle to see that?
I need to fully enjoy every moment I have, with my friends, family, dates, potential boyfriends whatever. I need to enjoy it all. Because life is brief, it's gone in a flash. I'm sure i'll be 60 before I know it, I'm sure I'll wish I hadn't have spent all this time fretting and panicking about a whole load of nothing.
Maybe he will disappear. Maybe I will. Maybe the planet will. Nobody knows. All I know is that I only have today.
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