Endings...again

It happened. We ended up breaking up. I feel...strange.



In some ways, it is as though a weight has been lifted but then again all I can think about his sweet face and just want to ring him up and tell him to forget all about it. Typically, I can only conjure memories of the good times - the sex, the lil adventures we went on, the ‘getting to know each other’ phase where we became almost inseparable. I just want to be back there, the rosy, sunny days of just not giving a damn and having fun. But of course as time goes on, you find out more about the person and I knew that I wasn’t feeling the way that I should have been. My usual giddy, talkative, loud-laughing self just retreated and I don’t know why. People advised me to stay at it because he was sweet, caring and wanted a future with me. But I know it’s wrong to feel this way so soon into the relationship and of course, all this weighing on my mind didn’t make me feel sexually attracted/attractive and everything he did seemed to wind me up.

We ended up talking on Saturday morning and it naturally came up - we agreed that something in the air didn’t feel right, we hadn’t really reached a resolution, we kept feeling as though we were going around in circles. We had to face it for what it was: we’re not compatible.



It makes me feel sad. I do care about him a lot and I will worry about him and hope that he’s okay. I also fear this space I’m in now; I’m alone again. And as much as that thought should be exciting, I’m filled with dread. Starting over again, putting myself out there again...what if he was my only chance?

I said that last sentence to my dad and he just looked at me and said ‘no, there has to be someone out there, who’s looking for someone quirky with a lot to give.’ Although he did like Mike and agreed he was a lovely guy, he thought the break up was for the best. It wasn’t right - I wasn’t being my true self and neither was he. We are both scared of confrontation, we don’t want to offend or upset the other person, we both have a high tolerance of annoying things. We’re too similar. And he doesn’t want to change and neither do I.



Aww, why is it always awful? Why can’t this bit be better, be quicker?



Of course I’ve signed up to a few familiar sites to help distract me from the dawning sense of dread. I shouldn’t, I know, I need to respect what we had, my own feelings, I need to let myself heal. I need space, I know it. I will do all of that, I just...want reassurance that people are out there who are fun, with a good sense of humor. Who knows, maybe I will find someone, maybe I won’t.