Drowning

I’ve really, really been struggling.


It has been so awful going through this breakup just as it coincides with my time of the month. My system’s a complete mess and I’m so, so emotional. All I want to do is cry and I have done more than I can ever remember doing in the past. Maybe I did but just erased those times from my mind?
Mike is on my mind constantly and I’m terrified by the idea that this really could be the end. I’m frustrated because I know it’s for the best, but I cannot understand why I’m behaving so pathetically.


I’m so scared to be on my own. Both in the short and long term. I know I need to work through this shitty period of time but I just have no idea what to do with myself. I just want to be in someone else’s body in another part of the world.


I’ve been staying at my dads for a few days as I really don’t want to be at my flat on my own. I know I’ve got to some time but I’m already dreading going back later this morning. Whatever will I do when I get there? I can’t stand all this time to kill, I am actually looking forward to work tomorrow so I can focus on anything else. I feel so, tremendously down.


At my absolute lowest, as my mind kept me awake during the small hours, I messaged Mike paragraphs of my outpouring soul. I told him that he was the love of my life and that I didn’t want this to end. I thought that I had nothing to lose by sending him what was on my mind, how I still wanted to try and make it work. It was desperate but I just thought I was doing what was best. ‘What if I die tonight?’ Crossed my mind, dramatically of course.
To not have a response the following morning of course made me sick to my stomach for the entire day. I knew that he wanted time, why did I go and lump a load of pressure on him like that? I called his phone to no answer. I pace my room in tears, unable to get a grip.
He sends a long response an hour after my missed call explaining that he’s sorry for not replying sooner, he just wasn’t sure what to say. He said that he loved me and had some of the best times of his life with me, but needed more time to think about he felt. He was worried that we’d fall into the same problems we’ve been having. He felt pressure to make a decision when he wasn’t ready. He asked if we could have a week of no contact to really give things a hard think over. I agreed, and apologised for not giving him the space he needed.


Of course it was completely fair enough, he is a logical person and incredibly sensitive. I know that he’s hurting as much as I am and I’m sure he’s wanted to say ‘fuck it, can I come and see you?’ at times too. He doesn’t want to dive straight back in to hurt each other again later down the line. Dad’s previous advise of ‘kicking the can down the street’ still rings as true now as it did a couple of months ago.


Of course I blame myself. I feel like everything is my fault and that we’re here now because of me. I think about our weekends away, the amazing passionate times we shared, the emotional times where we really connected with each other. Why can’t I remember the times I felt awkward, uncomfortable and like a bird with my wings clipped?


I wake up feeling lonely, sad and sick. I can’t believe it’s been a week already.


I tried to explain to my dad the reasons why this has hit me harder than other times I can recall but it’s so hard to pinpoint. I think it’s a combination of moving house where he supported me so much, and now I’m finally in my own space where I don’t know how to behave. I’m just not used to it at all. Everything is catching up with me. Mike was safe, we talked about the big stuff; the getting a house, the settling down, the children and cats, so it feels as though I’m losing more...


I know that I’ve got to face the music, this week I’ve just got to try and make myself as busy as possible and won’t message Mike once. I’m pretty sure it’s a blessing in disguise, he’s doing me a favour. I really do need time to think and process this the only way I know how. I know I’ve got to take each day at a time. I’ve got to stay hopeful. This is the right thing. There is someone out there who’s just as quirky as me...