Violent dreams haunt me today. They ended when I awoke with grinding teeth, the duvet halfway strewn on the floor. Visions of me kicking and beating an old creep and leaving him for dead. My actions felt so real, they felt so deserved. I was getting my revenge.
Before sleep me and Mike had a serious conversation. We tend to have these over the phone. The first round was exchanging pleasantries, he was telling my all about his time in Berlin, all very civilized. Before we talk I feel as though i've so much that I want to say and yet when it comes to it, it's like all my natural conversation has been sucked from my lungs and I leave an awkward air in it's place. It's hard to ignore, which in turn makes him awkward and it's just a whole load of strange pauses where nobody says anything. 'Are you okay? Are you anxious about something?' he asks kindly but out of the blue. 'No, not really, I don't think so. Sorry, I don't know what it is really, I can't explain it.' Really, I knew what it was but to say it felt too harsh - the fact of the matter is that I don't feel comfortable around him because he doesn't feel comfortable around me. Soon we'll have been together for 8 months and yet we still act like we're on our 2nd or 3rd date. I don't understand it. Mindless chat, endless wittering is something I have in spades! I never have the issue of someone feeling odd around me, and if they do, I'll do everything I can to rectify the situation and it eventually evens out. The thing is, I thought time is what he needed but...I honestly don't see this changing. And that thought makes me feel physically sick.
We end the call then message a few apologetic exchanges but it's not enough for me and I call again. This time he was perfectly lucid and although my body went cold and I felt my hands vibrate with adrenaline, out came my questions and there came his answers. 'I don't feel as though i'm treading on eggshells around you or anything like that,' he says 'with respect, it feels as though you are,' I couldn't help but contain. I just can't understand why - I have never snapped at him or made him feel out of place, we've never argued. And yet we keep arriving to these sticking points. He went on to reveal that he finds it hard to take initiative. That if he wanted to play a video-game, he wouldn't go ahead and pick up the controller and get playing it. He said he's the sort of person who needs direction and though he doesn't like it about himself and would like to have more life energy, he didn't see it being something he would change. - Not without serious attention.
I told him that the way he was, wasn't a bad thing - in fact, it's sweet and endearing. However it's about balance and assessing the times when he can exercise his free will or wait to be directed and being the sort of person who hates dictating, i'm always going to encourage him to be at ease, to relax, to be as he pleases. We came to the conclusion that we were both very similar. The thing is, I believe that if each person wants to make the other person happy, then it's a successful recipe. But here...it doesn't feel like that. He acts nervous around me and it puts me on edge. We don't laugh like we should. I don't know if this can be rectified.
It's a real shame because he's so sweet, caring and intelligent. He;s handsome and we share a good physical chemistry. But meeting his parents just confirms where it comes from. Without wanting to sound cruel, they're both emotionally stunted. He tried to end the call with a 'well we'll work on it, I mean, if this is where our issue lies, well that's not too bad in the grand scheme of things,' but I couldn't help but chime in with 'Yes but, this is day to day stuff - this is 'off mode' chill out stuff,' I mean, nipping in the bud would surely help in terms of interacting with other people too. I asked if he had the same thing with his friends, he said it depended on who he was with. To be honest, his friends do sound rather abrasive? Head strong!
I just feel sad. I could have cried on the tube. I mean, I've known it all along but...I'm scared to end it. What if he's the closest I'm going to get to someone who truly loves me? Wants a future with me? Wants to settle down with me? I feel so old now, guys are either married already or they're not interested in children. I feel defeated, deflated. I know i've got to try - I know that I can't give up, i've got to stay hopeful but, it's 8 months down the drain. But then again, would I rather be in this situation 8 years down the line? Hell no - that would be even harder to leave.
We're going to chat face to face this evening, see what happens. I think we both know, but I worry we'll just end up clinging on.
The day before last, Chris came over. There was a miscommunication with the dates, I had a sick day, greasy, no make-up on, baggy clothes and then he called saying he was at the station. I felt bad sending him away so he stopped by and we hung out, chatted lots. We talked about us, the reasons we broke up, we're still on the fence about giving it a go. The thing is, though...neither of us wanted to throw ourselves at each other. When we hug, it's wonderful and I love the way he feels against me and his smell, but, it doesn't spark something within. Perhaps we've lost that spark forever now...I felt sad when he left though, and he did too. He's worried that he can't commit. I do understand how he feels, maybe we should just leave it...
Maybe neither of them are right.
Maybe it's time to start again...
No comments:
Post a Comment