Twisted

Confused, I always seem to be in a permanent state of confusion, lumbered with guilt. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, everything on paper is absolutely fine. But, something has to be missing. Something feels off somewhere, otherwise I wouldn’t even be talking to Chris, allowing him into my mind once again. I’m searching for something to click into place, im trying everything I can; diet, exercise, looking for new flats to move to...I know that time will be the best judge of these things and three weeks or so isn’t enough.
Mike is wonderful but something is missing.

I suppose it’s all balance. Of course talking to Chris is all lovely and jokey and fun because we haven’t the responsibility of a relationship,
It won’t always be that way. But then, thinking back even during the times we were breaking up, we still laughed. We still cared. With Mike I struggle to recall a time I really, truly laughed and I think the one time I did, I misheard him.

So, we’re back to that. I feel awful thinking like this with heavy doubts playing on my mind when me and Mike have a weekend away booked. I suppose it could be a test, to see how it makes me feel. I explained this to dad and how I was concerned that I didn’t have enough reason to call things off, ‘but there doesn’t need to be one.’ He confirmed. ‘It’s about something you feel, that’s enough’ though he wasn’t trying to make the decision for me. I suppose as it’s already happened once before, and he could cope with it okay. I just feel sick at the idea of hurting Mike when he’s done so much for me; he’s so generous, so supportive, so very affectionate. But then, there’s something key missing and I don’t know if it’ll be filled. Sex or laughter? That’s what it seems to boil down to.

I suppose it’s a little comparable to Phil, I couldn’t really understand why things ended as everything was so good but he wasn’t feeling it, he wasn’t in that place. There wasn’t anything I could really do about it but accept it and move on, so I did. And there was a little bit of me that knew it all along that it was all too good to be true, so I felt a lot of relief too.
I know Mike will respect whatever I say but it still feels so shit of me. I wish there was a way I could click my fingers in front of his eyes and it was as if none of it ever happened. Not that I wish that it hadn’t happened, but in order for him to not feel any pain.

Is it really what I want to do even? I get to work and suddenly I feel as though it would be a mistake. But then, the ol 'kicking the can down the road' thing keeps popping into my mind. I'm sure it's something that will come again, this way I feel - it's so ingrained into who I am.

I'm going to use this weekend to properly think about it, and see how I feel come Monday.