Anxiousness

Oh, the familiar stress and sick-enduing anxiety returns, rearing it's ugly head. I'm afraid to say that the 'all this would just go away if I killed myself' thought crossed my mind on a couple of occasions. I wouldn't say that I genuinely feel suicidal but it did urge me to ring the doctors to check on that dang 'icope' application - which is an enormous pair of balls and will likely be an enormous waste of my time. What I really, dearly need is a damn good talking to. I need someone to ask me questions and to properly listen, without bias in a safe environment. I need psychotherapy. Of course they told me to wait for an email, or letter. But I won't hold out for it, these things always take ages. I remember when I tried it before and it was such a load of rubbish. It wasn't helpful at all, it only made me more anxious. I suppose I'll have to pay for sessions, but they're so expensive. Can I really put a price on my mental health?
Apparently so.

And this is not helped by my upcoming change of living situation - that's right. At last I've found a flat and i've decided to go for it. Goodness only know if i'm making the right decision, but meeting the landlady yesterday in person and being within the flat again made me feel good about what I was doing. It's located in a beautiful area, peaceful and friendly neighborhood where I could walk to work once again. It's got a open little kitchen bit, tiny little shower room and toilet, nothing ritzy by any means, but beautiful big windows and a little balcony bit, perfect for sipping coffee on sunny mornings. It was too good to miss.

I've just an enormous knot in my stomach thinking about how things are going to be sorted at the current flat. The boys are making it difficult - bringing in the girlfriend into his room, so a 4th person on the contract, but not taking my room...it doesn't make any sense. But hey, that's not for me to get involved with. I just worry they'll leave it all to the last moment, by which time it'll be too late and they won't find a replacement in time. I simply cannot pay double rent, it'll absolutely obliterate me.
I know I mustn't worry about things that I cannot control, I can only do my very best. I know deep down that getting out of that pesky environment will do wonders for my general well being, however expensive it'll likely turn out to be. I'm a grown up now, I work hard and I deserve it. It feels right.

It will be okay in the end, because it has to be. And one of those boys is my brother, who wants the best for me too. He'll help make it work...won't he?